Je ne sais plus

2010-07-31T04:30:00.000-07:00

Someone asked once, if it's worse to marry someone you don't love, or to love someone you can't marry.
I wonder..

2010-06-26T05:39:00.001-07:00

送女生回家的男人不一定就是君子。可能只是披着羊皮的狼。

不曾出轨的男人也不一定是绝对专一的。可能只是不曾有机会。

2010-06-26T02:01:00.000-07:00

When you were younger, you could always find solace in reading Chicken Soup.
Now, even Sumiko Tan is getting married.
boohoo..

2010-06-26T01:13:00.000-07:00

爱情骗子
其实他从来就不是我所想象的那么真诚
其实他从来就不是我所想象的那么可靠
其实他从来就不是我所想象的那么专一
也从来不真真切切地爱过我

幸好没彻彻底底地上当

2010-06-25T18:41:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fT5qjZqEsl4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufxngzs70NU&feature=related

看完了。
哭了。
终于。

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmLfJm-IDUI&feature=related
后来
后来我总算学会了如何去爱
可惜你早已远云消失在人海
后来终于在眼泪中明白
有些人一旦错过就不再

栀子花白花瓣落在我蓝色百褶裙上
爱你你轻声说我低下头闻见一阵芬芳
那个永恒的夜晚十七岁仲夏你吻我的那个夜晚
让我往后的时光每当有感叹总想起当天的星光
那时候的爱情为什么就能那样简单
而又是为什么人年少时一定要让深爱的人受伤
在这相似的深夜里你是否一样也在静静追悔感伤
如果当时我们能不那么倔强现在也不那么遗憾

你都如何回忆我带着笑或是很沉默
这些年来有没有人能让你不寂寞

后来我总算学会了如何去爱
可惜你早已远云消失在人海
后来终于在眼泪中明白
有些人一旦错过就不再

永远不会再重来有一个男孩爱着那个女孩

http://www.im.tv/vlog/personal/466452/1893782
常常責怪自己當初不應該
常常後悔沒有把你留下來
為甚麼明明相愛到最後還是要分開
是否我們總是徘徊在心門之外

誰知道又和你相遇在人海
命運如此安排總教人無奈
這些年過得不好不壞只是好像少了一個人存在
而我漸漸明白你仍然是我不變的關懷

有多少愛可以重來有多少人願意等待
當懂得珍惜以後回來卻不知那份愛會不會還在
有多少愛可以重來有多少人值得等待
當愛情已經桑田滄海是否還有勇氣去愛

誰知道又和你相遇在人海
命運如此安排總教人無奈
這些年過得不好不壞只是好像少了一個人存在
而我漸漸明白你仍然是我不變的關懷

有多少愛可以重來有多少人願意等待
當懂得珍惜以後回來卻不知那份愛會不會還在
有多少愛可以重來有多少人值得等待
當愛情已經桑田滄海是否還有勇氣去愛

有多少愛可以重來有多少人願意等待
當懂得珍惜以後回來卻不知那份愛會不會還在
有多少愛可以重來有多少人值得等待
當愛情已經桑田滄海是否還有勇氣去愛

2010-06-25T17:46:00.000-07:00

我们的开始 是很长的电影
放映了三年 我票都还留在
冰上的芭蕾 脑海中还在旋转
望着你 哪能忘记你

朦胧的世界 我们聊了多远
冰刀画的圈 圈起了谁改变
如果再重来 会不会笑笑骂骂
爱是不是 不开口才珍贵

再给我两分钟 让我把记忆结整理
别融化了眼泪 你妆都花了 要我怎么记得
祈祷你将我忘了吧 祈祷你将我忘了吧
你说你会哭 不是因为在乎

-Jay Chou

Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on


Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me
-Savage Garden

想了好久好久，终于明白了，其实就算重新再来
也不可能。不是因为不爱， 而是因为时间。
如果我30岁，我一定会不顾一切地去爱。现在的
我太脆弱了，太没安全感了，太需要家人的支持了。
也许他一辈子也不会明白为什么那时候我会那么
残忍地离开， 而现在又表现得这么痛苦。
也许我真的不该当真他当时承诺的。。我说过我一
定会想在他结婚之前把他夺回来。
他也说过如果当时真的我想要阻止，不需要像电影
里那样不顾一切，几乎粉身碎骨地去争取。
我只需要轻轻告诉他一声。

我现在多么想兑现那句话啊！
可是我怎么可能那么做。
我怎么可能。
如果我现在能与他私定终生，我会。
可是我绝对不能在未毕业之前做出这么鲁莽之事。
我的生活需要稳定下来。

而且，我已经不能再相信他的承诺了。

我一直把他放在心里头最敏感最隐秘最美丽的一处
因为太美，所以不愿意透露给任何人，甚至自己。
我害怕透露了就会失去。

已经失去了。

其实，我也明白了，其实自己对他并不重要。
如果重要，不会那么快就找到她。
如果重要，不会那么随便就把自己交给别人。
我连一个男生都没放在眼里。就算有多么好的条件。
因为心里有他。原来一直都是我自己一厢情愿。
以为曾经爱过就会一直爱下去。
男人是不会这么做的。
女人，才会这么傻傻地，默默地，等待。等待时间对的那一刻。

看了the second last boyfriend，
其实现实中也不是不可能有个人那么倒霉。
也许就是经历过了某个人，你才会懂得爱。
因为懂得了爱，才会去真真切切地爱下一个人，
并且愿意以身相许。我现在就真的很想嫁给下一个我能爱上的人。
爱上和哀伤，多么相同的读法，多么紧紧相扣的情感！

2010-06-25T16:32:00.001-07:00

A metal drop of tear
On the day I broke his heart
He gave me a drop of tear
A metal drop of tear

I carried the tear close to my heart
Guiltless about its conception
Clueless about its importance
Helpless about its
flawless compatibility with me, my heart, my being

Until
One night
The heart caved in
To the weight of the tear
It’s not just a drop of tear at all
It’s a metal drop of tear
Forged by his strength,
my willfulness,
our anguish.

I can’t breathe
The heart is just too weak, change your heart
I can’t breathe
The tear is just too heavy, drop it.
Drop it in the middle of the ocean
Let it flow back to where it came from.
Heart of the Ocean, Tear of the Heart.

A teardrop in the ocean
Changes it ever so slightly
Ever so unnoticeably
Ever so insignificantly
But now, it’s part of the ocean
An inseparable part
Until the day it gets too light that leaving it for the sky becomes its destiny
Tuck in the corner of your heart you were really hoping that he would wait for you right even though you asked him not to and said that it will not work out
Sorry girl it doesn’t work
How dare me
How dare I even hope for something so gracious
When I had been so cruel
But you have to be cruel to be kind they say
A cursed person should only be with someone who is equally cursed
Or, hopefully, holds the anecdote to the curse.

2010-06-25T16:17:00.001-07:00

once upon a time in Germany, I met this old man who told my cousin and I that if we find someone, we should test him well. If he survived the tests, and still remains truthful and faithful to you, then he's well worth your heart.

I am going to remind myself this, everytime I launch the love boomerang of mine. Fret not its departure, for a return would its genuity.

Good things in life are worth waiting for. Wait patiently for one that returns. That's how the aborigines eventually figured out how to make a perfect one, isn't it?

Maybe, it's really fate.

Fate says that Sumiko Tan will get married at 46. To someone she knew since 16. 30 years of searching and solitude. Finally one day. It just happened. Her boomerang returned, after 30 years. She must've launched it hard. It got far, too far. But it's a boomerang, a true boomerang. She's satisfied now, isn't she. No longer the archetype of the happy single woman, she's now the archetype of a happy boomerang owner. True love will not fade with time, distance nor any obstacles. These elements to love, are wind is to fire... they extinguish the little and kindle the great. He must love you more than you can push him away. And just because a girl said no once, does not mean she will say no forever. To move a girl with perseverance always works, but to move a guy, you have to use manipulation--you are either his type or not. Girls, like water, (as so aptly put in the Dreams of the Red Chamber), can mould themselves to their holder, the holder of their heart and their being.

Sumiko Tan. I wish you happily ever after.

The fairytale now is no longer love at first sight, BAM! Get married. like Princess D and charles. IT's proven to be unreliable and superficial. The modern fairytale is a long story. That begins with once upon a time... and ends with happily ever after, still. Except that it's no longer contained in one story. There are chapters after chapters. That's how characters are built (pun intended).

2010-06-24T23:42:00.001-07:00

She used the word "break-up".
He used the word "not even".
A perfectly romantic misunderstanding.

2010-06-24T23:41:00.001-07:00

Maybe only he had loved me
deeply
sincerely
purely

Even then
he moved on fast.
Love is indeed fleeting

Never marry for love.

2010-06-24T23:32:00.000-07:00

What's the most romantic thing that anyone has ever said to you?
I've got one.
"All we need now is a dog"
A simple phrase that probably means nothing to anyone else. But the essence of this lies in its complete lack of romantic intention from the speaker, and an overtly sensitive imputation crafted by the receiver, as a result of cultural difference.
You see, it was said to me by a man from an occidental cultural background, when we were strolling in a park on a very fine day many years ago. I am filled with love and admiration for him, even then. Being a typical female who reads too much into everything, the usage of 'we' groups us together as one, and the inclusion of a dog, something that is seen as part of a family in the occidental culture, somewhat includes me as part of his family. Also the "all we need now" implies that we'd be complete with a dog.. thus a complete entity together. You wouldn't be able to find an Asian equivalent to the dog phrase somehow. I've tried. Asians just aren't that into pets.

2010-06-24T23:30:00.001-07:00

Ironic, isn't it?
The very passion
binds you to another
repelled me from you
One woman's meat
is indeed
another woman's poison.

you are irresponsibly responsible
while
I am responsibly irresponsible
What a match made for the doom.

2010-06-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

Took a walk along the beach today to clear my mind. I never liked the ocean. But today, it gave me the tranquility I needed.

It's a good idea to have paper and pen so I could pen down my thoughts.

It's not really...

It's not really a relationship
where's the commitment
It's not really a fling
where's the sex
It's not really a friendship
therein lies romance
It's not really a date
therein holds much more than
a nice long dinner

Somewhere between love and lust
lies (lies!)
a something
that's everything
yet nothing.

I was ready, NOT

I was ready to pull you along.
No, thank you.
I was ready to love you.
No, thank you.
I was ready.
No.

2010-06-24T06:11:00.000-07:00

I'm glad I'm blogging again.
Because I only blog when I'm more of a human and less of a machine.

I need the practise. anyway.

My Best Friend's Wedding... I'm almost there. except that
1. I have no gay best friend to attend the wedding with.
2. I have no intention of attending the wedding.
3. I don't even stand a chance (though whether I want to is still debatable)

Lessons learnt:
1. Never take promises from a man (or woman) in love seriously. Because they are void the moment they fall out of love with you and/or in love with another.
2. If you want to get married, it can just happen.
3. Never assume you know someone well.

Moving on:
1. Keep the virginity till engagement/marriage. (yes, very archaic)
2. No wedding attendance except in the company of a male partner (very medieval)
3. Get some sleep (most realistic)

2010-06-24T06:01:00.000-07:00

A gun shot

BANG

brought us together
momentarily

A gun shot

BANG!

sealed your fate
perpetually

A gun shot

BANG!!

woke me up
hastily
acutely
fortunately

2010-06-24T05:23:00.000-07:00

self preservation
selfish preservation

the furthest distance
is self imposed

the deepest wound
is self inflicted

if only
i knew

nothing would have changed

2010-06-23T15:41:00.000-07:00

True love is like a boomerang, that's what they say.

I have been throwing too many self-proclaimed boomerangs to know that.

So you wait for the boomerang to come back.

They say it flies for a long distance before it comes back to you.

I must have been throwing them in a very small area

perhaps I threw them too hard

or I used the wrong technic

could it be I need to be an Aboriginal

let's say the wind blew them away

So you keep waiting and testing these boomerangs you've got

Hopefully one day you'll find the real one

Hopefully

Hope

Pan

2010-06-23T15:24:00.000-07:00

He is getting married.

I'm sorry I can't be there.

No, I don't want to be there.

It's too sudden, too unexpected, too disappointing.

So the heart does ache.

Even after you've killed it a thousand times.

Those tears you cry are selfish tears.

You've never treated him as merely a friend, have you.

Life goes on without you.

Contrary to your popular belief.

Life begins without you.

Regardless of your contribution.

Love ends for you.

You never allowed its growth.

Move on.

Stop wallowing in self pity.

You made the choice.

You live with it.

The idea of love,

The idea of loving him,

are nothing but ephemeral ideas

that evaporate when confronted with reality.

Wish him happiness,

What hypocrisy!

Wish him eternal celibacy,

What selfishness!

You are cursed,

doomed,

for a broken heart.

You are really not as special as you thought.

2009-05-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note on certain things that I would like to write about.. :)

"She's just an MA, she's not an executive, remind her every morning that she's just an MA, remind her every evening that she's just an MA, remind her"

"you know Animal Farm? Some pigs are more equal than others" (actually it's .. some animals.. are more equal than others.. and it happens to be the pigs.. not some pigs.. what great memory)

"we are a team" (I didn't know that teams function this way.. you just brought the word team to a whole new level)

"She's not going to be just a bimbo" (you bet)

"your exit interview will not be easy. I will sit you down for 2 solid hours and I will not hold back my expletives" ( well, there is a reason I don't scold vulgarities. I have vocabulary)

I don't scold vulgarities cos I have vocabulary
I don't exploit people cos I have conscience
I have everything you don't, except your mega-huge ego.
This is not that personal, but it is somewhat personal.
If one day you ever wakes up and reflect upon yourself, and you do have humility, and you are over and done with the little boy's insecurity and need to over compensate with achievements in life and to fill up that hollow ego of yours with vulgarities and bully behaviours, then I would be more than willing to accept you as a peer.
Do not talk about despising me, when you are not even close to be qualified to do that. Even if you really think that you are right about me being whatever nasty creature that you have just called me in your all-so-limited vocabulary (god forgives me for using such a word to describe the awful sound made a while ago), it takes one to know one isn't it. =]

I all along took this as an intern. Imagine someone thinking of her exit on the first day of work. That really shows a lot about a company, or herself. But if it happens to the company so many times, within such a short time, we all know the root of the problem.
It's ironic that a company specialises in doing this.. has the biggest problem in this area itself. It really doesnt reflect well does it.

The pure and simple truth is never pure and rarely simple. Oscar Wilde said it.

2009-01-09T18:14:00.000-08:00

I once told a friend, that I suspect that I'm tripolar.
Then I saw this video of this French little girl singing in a talent show, and she said that there are three Caroline.
I suppose that a lot of people are probably feeling that one adjective or one-dimensional descriptions are not enough to describe them. We human are physically 3D, thus perhaps our emotions extends 3dimensionally along with our physical presence.

One Pan who's happy-go-lucky, naive, curious, friendly, full of hope.
One Pan who's cynical, critical, irritable, judgemental.
One Pan who's nonchalant.

And that is only as much as I know about myself... I'm not even sure if that's all or if it's too much. haha.

Hmm... Charmaine's right, I should learn Japanese soon. I have to balance my cultural exposure, or else I'll feel uncomfortable... After learning French and English, I need another Asian language to balance the two... haha.

Alright. I'll just study Hiragana and Katagana on my own first, then I'll move on to grammar and Kanji...

2008-11-21T00:50:00.000-08:00

There are a few singers and a few songs that always manage to evoke a certain sense of mightless nostalgia in me.

Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now is one of them.

Perhaps it's the context that it has been used in -- Love Actually.
Or perhaps it's the fragility in her voice, that resonates with the vulnerability within me which I try so hard to brush aside.
Or perhaps, I am just wallowing in self pity again. =]

I've looked at love from both sides now..

I really don't know love, after all.

2008-11-20T10:49:00.000-08:00

Someone was serving the cooked thé vert (normal way of drinking would be to boil hot water and pour over the leaves, instead of cooking it until the taste comes out really strong) from the Sahara desert.. and she said that it was to be served 3 times with 3 different intensities of the tea with added sugar.

La première fois,
Il est amer comme la vie.

La deuxième fois,
Il est doux comme l'amour.

La troisième fois,
Il est suave comme la mort.

The first time,
it is bitter like life.

The second time,
It is sweet like love.

The third time,
It is suave like death.

Talked to a friend about people come and go. Unexpectedly. In various ways. People's presence and absence are just like the tea... One just has to take it down in one gulp. Be it bitter, sweet or suave. And It'll be over. With only remnant of its aftertaste and nothing more.

Once upon a distant past,
I dreamt of someone with a mask.
He sang me songs and lullabies,
He even taught me how to fly.

He promised me of many things,
Of love and life, of hopes and dreams.
I wished that he had stayed a while more,
But just a dream is all it's for.

Then I dreamt of someone else,
Who gave me a mask that's made of shells.
I asked her if she knew the man,
Who has the same mask I have in hand.

She replied swiftly with a beautiful smile,
And said that he has been gone for a while.
And if I wish to go after him,
I would have to commit a sin.

The sin is grave, as I was told,
For 'tis to steal a happy soul.
I put on the mask for I was afraid,
To reveal my face as I make this trade.

I went,
I entertained,
and I left.

The soul smiled,
pursued,
and was left,

longing.

The way I did.

I think,
I just found him.

2008-11-12T01:07:00.001-08:00

I just had to blog, I have been depraved by work that I neglected my soul!!!

Anyway I was talking to rentian about stuffs and as much as I am his muse, he is my muse too, at least for the time when we do talk to each other. I think my friendship/relationship with people around me is always like a sinusoidal wave. Though I'm not sure if there'll ever be a negative region.. Can u actualli 'negativeli' not keep in contact w pple? or maybe im the sinusoidal wave with y>=0. What a geek I am.

I'm digressing. Anyway, I was thinking abt this concept of luxury when we were talking..

Luxury is something you want the most, and probably the only thing that you want at tt point in time, but you will never obtain it in abundance. You cannot afford it. It is ironic however, that in some cases, it is what you probably have in abundance but did not realise it, or you cannot conserve it... somehow..

I Can't afford U

The old has all the richess of experience,
but it took their time.
The old used to have the time.
Time is a luxury for the experienced.

The poor has all the possibilities to dream,
but it takes time.
The poor has no such time.
Dreaming is a luxury for the inadequate.

The rich has all the need for morality,
but it will take time.
The rich will not waste such time.
Morality is a luxury for the corrupted.

The ultimte luxury of men is Time.
At the end of one's time, there's only Death.
The only thing greater than death is Love.
At the start of one's death, would there be Love?

I have all the chances to fall in love,
'cept that I am in love
with the idea of love.
You are a luxury for me.

2008-05-30T06:48:00.000-07:00

Alright, I’ve decided to put aside some time after my dinner to type a nice reflection on issues. Yesterday I was talking to Markus, he sounded really busy, and I was a little apprehensive to continue the conversation because I was afraid that I was being a nuisance. He thought that I was upset that he was busy. Well, what can I say, he’s always busy, haha so if I were to be upset with him, I’d be a very miserable person. Haha..

I realize that most people whom I talk to on msn are usually very busy when I say hi, or take light years to reply. It makes me wonder if it’s me that jinx whoever I’m talking to, to be ultimately busy. Of course, I never would believe that even if it is true. So in my own defense, I have come up with another theory. Usually I don’t talk to people on msn unless they talk to me, after a while, people get lazy to initiate conversations with me because I’m not that responsive. Now that I’m on msn, hardly anyone talks to me, and those people whom I do say hi to, are usually people whom I’ve not talked to for hundreds of years (or so I feel this way), but would like to keep in contact with cos I find them interesting and I hold them close to my heart. For me to find people interesting and to hold them close to my heart, they have to be of certain caliber I’d think, and thus would be extremely busy people who have passions and goals to work towards. In this way, they’d usually be awfully busy. =] Well, this is good isn’t it? All my beloved friends are successful and purposeful people who never waste a single second of their lives! And they say birds of a feather flock together!

On another note, I was talking to a friend on bitching. My friend felt that I bitch a lot about some people, and asked if I ever wondered if other people were bitching about me too. I replied without thinking, of course, definitely, and those people who bitch about me, are those I’d bitch about. The difference between my bitching and theirs is that of a fundamental difference. You see, people generally bitch out of two emotions. One is out of despise, and the other being out of jealousy. The former definitely explains my reason to bitch, and I’m positive that those who bitch about me are well suited to the latter. Yes, yet another ego theory. Well, I’ve figured that you can’t please everyone, even if you try. As long as you remain professional about work, loyal to your love, and positive in life, everything will be fine.

My sister emailed me regarding my growing concern of my singlehood, just to reconfirm that my pickiness is the main reason of my present status quo. That would’ve made sense a few years ago, but I think my standard has lowered these days! I just need someone who gives me a lot of respect, who enriches my life and allows me to enrich his, and who is willing to explore and learn about many different things with me. I didn’t know that this is too much to ask of in a man. Well, ok fine, that person cannot be too dependent on me because I’m lazy and I will get tired very easily if I need to constantly reassure someone of his insecurity. Ok, end of discussion, should really put my time to better use.

As we grow, everyone’s blooming into some brilliantly coloured flower. Elise is blooming into a rosy pink flower that flushes with the romance showered by Lee each day. En is blooming into a black rose, one of its kind, requires sophisticated acquired taste to appreciate in its full beauty. Mao is blooming into a big sunflower that lifts its head to face the sun to praise the grace of the Lord. I wonder what colour will my flower be, and what type of flower would it be. A friend mentioned the Mu Dan flower, typical to the Chinese and widely used in the Chinese literature. In case you have no idea what is a Mu Dan flower, it is a big red flower that blooms very beautifully, but it has a very weak stem. In the traditional Chinese literature, it is used to describe events that has a very glorious outer appearance, but is very empty or has very weak support or planning. I used to think that I was born and will bloom into a white rose, but I am beginning to be afraid that like a reversed version of the ugly duckling fairytale, I might turn out to be a Mu Dan flower eventually. Hana. 花　はな。In Chinese, we call it Hua. (hwa)

Perhaps I’d be happier to die a Chinese flower though I was born and raised to think that I was a western flower. Haha.. Sometimes the issue of identity leaves me quite lost. Perhaps it’s not that important, but it is such a strange feeling to belong only partially to somewhere. Yes, I feel strong patriotism towards Singapore and China and now, Belgium. However, the more I feel for each of them, the less I am sure of them, Strangely. Perhaps this is the nature of love? The more you love something or someone or somewhere, the less you dare to be sure of them.

I’m listening to Anne Murray’s Broken Hearted me.. and there’s this line.. “Time won’t heal the broken hearted me”. Somehow I just feel that somewhere in the past, my heart had been broken, and it seems that I’m like Ally Mcbeal more and more.. I don’t know where I broke it. Maybe I broke it while looking for myself.

Gigi always treat me to a type of herbal tea.. She makes them a few times, and each time the taste becomes lighter.. originally it was really strong. She said, they have a saying for the taste of the tea.. First round, it’s Bitter like life. Second round, it’s Sweet like love. Third and final round, it’s Suave like death. What a poetic expression.

Every now and then I cry
Every night you keep stayin' on my mind
All my friends say I'll survive
It just takes time

CHORUS
But I don't think time is gonna heal this broken heart
No I don't see how it can if it's broken all apart
A million miracles could never stop the pain
Or put all the pieces together again
No I don't think time is gonna heal this broken heart
No I don't see how it can while we are still apart
And when you hear this song
I hope that you will see
That time won't heal a broken-hearted me

Every day is just the same
Playin' games, different lovers, different names
They keep sayin' I'll survive
It just takes time

CHORUS

Time won't heal a broken-hearted me

2008-04-29T06:18:00.000-07:00

today, I felt happier cos I realised that we don't have to be loved the way we expect to be loved, we just have to appreciate people for loving us the way they do.. :)

2008-04-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking today while travelling to London and Prague and Copenhagen.
Though Jacob kept thinking that he's in a bad state, abandoned by the one he loves the most and felt like a living failure. I think he's a very lucky guy after all.

Like I told him, the fact that he got together with Bella, shows that he has someone who loved him when he needed her to love him. And though he still needs her to love him, and that she's not with him anymore, he's still a lucky guy cos he had someone there when he needed someone.

I think such thing is relative. so I take myself as an example. I told him, when we broke up, I didn't need just anyone, or someone, I just needed him. and he was not there. So I think he's pretty lucky after all.

Jacob was so sure that I didn't need him. haha. I think if it pleases him to think of it that way, he can continue thinking that way. I think I've evolved over the years to needing nobody. I guess Nietzche is right.. That what does not kill you makes you stronger.

Jacob apologised for letting me down. Somehow, though I've been waiting for this for the past few years, I realised that I don't need it, and in fact, I don't want it. I realised the cruelty of hoping for such a statement from him. and the plain selfishness. It must've hurt him quite a lot to say that out, now that he's already so depressed.

Well, like I told him, I'm glad that I talked to him, because for the past few years one thought that kept bothering me was, did I mean anything at all to him? I was so afraid that I would be forgotten by someone who meant so much to me, and I was just so afraid that I'd loved in vain. haha.. Now I know that nothing's ever in vain. and I was loved. :)

That's enough.

I think I've finally relinquished. Tous. Thank you Jacob. That's the best present that you've ever given me. And just when I'm 21. Perfect timing, Perfect age, Perfect memory=]

2008-04-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

The purity of the first love,
White as snow.

The cruelty of the first heartbreak,
Red as blood.

Sauvignon Blanc,
for the Lady please.
It's lighter. gentler.

Merlot,
for the Gent please.
It's fuller. stronger.

Cheers.

The Lady who drinks up to
dilute the Red of the Bleeding Heart

The Gent who drinks up to
stain the White of the Falling Snow.

Only ice can stop the pain.
Only warmth can melt the numb.

Bottoms up.

When you're drunk.
There's only one thin line between
Red
and
White

2008-04-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

Sun Kai recommended this song to me, and I really like it. It's so nostalgic, it's beautifully sad!

I talked to Jacob for hrs today. It's amazing how we still have that telepathy after 5 yrs of non-communication. We always say what each other wishes to say before the other party says it out. or at the same time.

He asked me abt Pea Brain, haah which I'm glad he did. I'm glad I told him what I feel too. Though it still puzzles me how he got to know it. Anyway it's not impt. I'm not gona do the same thing again anyway.

I think travelling is refreshing. You cease to exist in the older world, except probably virtually. And you have a new life, which you can start afresh and with no strings attached.

Jacob asked me what do I think would have happened if we didn't break up 5 yrs ago.. haha I said "engaged and married". He laughed at my short and simple answer. well I think it's succinct and to the point. :)

Well realistically speaking, no. LOL I'll be in uni(or perhaps I won't be if I was too busy dating him for the past few yrs to study properly for Uni.. hahah) anyway, if I were in Uni, then I don't think I would be this narcissistic, this crazy, this far away from home. He doesn't believe that I would give up exchange for me, like he doesn't believe that I would have gone ACJC for him. lol. I guess he would also not believe that I would have loved him all my life. haha.. Well, I guess now nobody knows for sure right. =] Who do I have to convince? haha..

He talked about helping people, but I think nobody is better off in life than another person. diff people have diff ways of life, I might think that I'm having the best life ever while some people might disagree. haah I might be termed as leading a decadent lifestyle, purposeless, loveless. But to me, I like not having to prove to people who I am. haha.. Sometimes people not having high expectations of me, is in fact being very kind to me. Fortunately so.

It's amazing how Jacob and I manage to read each other's mind. I'm still wondering what kinda force in this world has made this possible. We have absolutely nothing in common. Someday we'll know..

He doesn't think that I've moved on. Me neither. haha Well, I'm TRYING TO. And I know I will succeed. Just that nobody really worthy comes along, so I can't move on to nothingness right? I had a lesbianic dream the other day. I was scared when I wake up that if I continue loveless like this I might really turn lesbian!!! Char kept reassuring me that we'll be fine, we'll be coupled, we'll find someone who'll love and cherish us and we'll live happily ever after. I hope that stuffs repeated over and over again can finally become reality. If only.

I'm seeing the little mermaid tomorrow. Perhaps my fate is very much like hers.. forever entrapped in another world that is inaccessible to mortals, and I have to wait for 300 yrs on the stone before my soul can pass into the world of human.

till then, I'll wait.

I've always imagined my Prince Charming to come to me on a horse. Just when I least expect it. But I guess I've always expect it to happen, so it's never going to happen. haha. nobody rides a horse in the 21st century I suppose. I'm not from the movie Kate and Leopold either. Maybe I'll never find someone because I'm dreaming everything up.. to such ideals. I'm in love with the idea of love.

2007-12-11T18:16:00.000-08:00

strange how guys never wanna stay friends with their ex-girlfriends
and girls always wishes to be able to stay friends with the ex-boyfriends.

Why is that so?
in 2 days in Paris.. the girl asked.. "does that mean that you don't find me likeable as a person outside of our relationship?"

Imran questioned the necessity of being reminded of the guy's feeling for the exgirlfriend knowing that they're not longer able to be together.

David said that a guy can't help but feel towards the girl, and knowing that you can't be with her, it's just more pain.

I'm not sure about girls.. but general sentiment seems to be that.. how can u bear to part with someone whom u used to love so much, and be so close to??

For guys it just seems more 'practical' to not stay as friends, for girls it seems more 'sentimental' to stay as friends.. hmm..

2007-11-19T03:16:00.000-08:00

Im bored, so I've just decided to post this paper I did for my USP module earlier this semester..

Module Title: Painting & National Identity
Module Code: UAR 2299A
Professor:Dr. Andrew Robert Leng
Paper No.: 1
Paper Title: The problematic balance among originality, acceptance and relevancy
Submitted by: Gong Pan Pan
Matric No.:U064319J
Date: 9th October 2007

The problematic balance among originality, acceptance and relevancy

The establishment and development of a “national artistic identity” need to be built on the stable foundation of a history, a history with traditions which are firmly established and embedded in its society, because only with traditions can national artistic identity have a consistent source of reference. However, the problem with establishing such an identity in Britain’s case is that there is a vacuum of tradition and purpose for art as a result of the Reformation, which separated its past traditions from its present beliefs. Traditionally, art had a role of narrating the biblical events in order to inculcate certain values to the public, as it was sponsored by the Church. This role elevated the status of art into a functioning didactic tool with a certain mystic ‘aura’ as a result of the strong religious influence. After Reformation, Britain became more secular, in the sense that religious paintings and iconographies were banned, and there was an emphasis on individualism, focusing more on the lifestyle and pleasure of the power bloc, since they were the one who patronized art. Art lost its didactic role which gave it a high status and the sense of mysticism that put it on a pedestal, literally.

Around the 18th Century, British artists like Sir Joshua Reynolds (Reynolds) and William Blake (Blake) tried constantly to recreate a strong national artistic identity with limited success. I wish to investigate into the problems of creating such an identity by referring to both the Discourses and painting of Reynolds, and Annotations to the Discourses by Blake. I shall argue that Britain had a very unstable sense of “national artistic identity” because it had deviated too far from its European Christian traditions, and its artists had been trying to assimilate different aspects of the traditions back into their artworks through the emulation of traditional artistic traditions that were in accordance with the individual artists’ own personal and social agenda, without considering these traditions’ consistency, relevance or accessibility to the society at the time.

The attempt by Reynolds to create a national artistic identity built on Classical ideals and style had failed to establish itself firmly in Britain, as it was a very artificial transfer of the old Classical formula to secure more patronage with the upper class, without much consideration for its unique appeal and relevance to the entire nation. Reynolds’ Discourses advocated painting getting “above all singular forms” the “abstract idea” of the “perfect state of nature” (Leng, Joshua Reynolds’s Discourses)—a very distinctive feature of the Classical style, which Reynolds had conveniently borrowed and incorporated as part of the national artistic style. The blatant appropriation from the Classical style paintings can be seen in Reynolds’s Lady Cockburn and her Three Eldest Sons (1773) (National Art Gallery, UK). The painting has obvious classical influences from van Dyck’s Charity (1627) and Velázquez's Toilet of Venus (1647) (National Art Gallery, UK). Both Charity and Lady Cockburn have the female figure placed in the centre of the painting with faces tilted to a three-quarter view with eyes fixated at something in the distance, thus suggesting a certain modesty, composure and sophistication. The two boys around Lady Cockburn have very similar facial features, and both of them look remarkably similar to Cupid in Toilet of Venus. One can see the Classical ‘template’ of painting people and objects, as employed by Reynolds, manifested in the general perfect looking rosy complexions, the generic luxurious golden clothes of Lady Cockburn, the essentially similar red background curtain with rich velvety texture and even the perfectly groomed hairstyle of the children. This style made British art look like a mere continuation of European art traditions, without anything typically British, except in the subject matter. When there was nothing that appeared typically striking as British art, it would be problematic for it to remain deeply rooted as Britain’s national artistic identity.

On the other extreme, Blake offered highly personal input in artworks, inspired by the Gothic traditions, and created an artistic identity which was distinctively different from the rest of Europe at that time. However, it was difficult for Blake’s highly original style to be accepted and established by the nation as a ‘national artistic identity’, as it was an extreme deviation from the already-established ideology of art in the society then. Blake opposed Reynolds's derivative form of art making that found inspiration in “knowledge” and “poetry” (Leng, Discourses), because Blake was a self derivative mystic artist who believed in finding inspiration “on [examination of] his own mind” (Leng, Annotations to Discourses), which was inspired by God directly. The “emphasis on extreme states, the transcendental and supernatural” (Leng, Romanticism Overview) of the Gothic period appealed to Blake's own personal beliefs. Unlike Reynolds who painted almost the objects the same ways as the old masters, Blake only borrowed certain features of Gothic art to go with his very personal depiction of people and objects which did not follow any particular Gothic work. As seen in his introduction page of Songs of Innocence, instead of the old masters' technique of chiaroscuro to create three-dimensional forms, his engraving used the Gothic style of using bold, distinct line works and flat areas of colours. His composition of figures, however, was not a copy of any Gothic works but a personal illustration of his beliefs based on his “inspiration”. It can be seen in his usage of lines to create forms that extended from the angel to the human, suggesting close relationship between the two. The leaves parted according to the contour of the angel, revealing the sky that suggested spiritual proximity to purity and heaven. All the lines sinuously blended, and forms merged into one another, thus creating a sense of harmony. Despite the high level of originality in Blake's engravings, Reynolds's establishment of this high-statue image for painters in Classical style caused Blake's form of art to be seen as a low form of artisan work. As such, Blake's work was not appreciated and highly regarded, because it did not fit the bill for what the public was used to and conditioned to accept as art.

Both artists drew “inspiration” from the extreme ends of the society, which proved problematic in the creation of a coherent and consistent artistic identity. While Reynolds's work was readily accepted by the establishment to be promoted to the public, his work remained very exclusive to the aristocrats. By employing the same pose as the female figure in Charity for Lady Cockburn, Reynolds borrowed van Dyck’s already-established personification of the virtue “charity”, and readily shifted this ‘charitable’ virtue onto Lady Cockburn. It was the same for the little boys being depicted as angelic as Cupid in the painting. His work flattered and elevated his subject matter from mere mortals to something with mythical aura and grandeur. This facilitated the legitimizing of artworks as an important function in the country, because the power bloc saw it as being beneficial to them. However, this elitist form of art only catered to satisfying the ego of the aristocrats, with no real authentic relation to the rest of Britain. Blake on the other hand, focused on the suffering class such as The Chimney Sweeper which attacked the orthodox religious establishment, where the “Angel” and the “God”, representing establishment and power bloc, only wanted the people to be “good” and “make up a heaven of [the people's] misery”(Leng, William Blake’s Songs of Innocence & Experience notes). His disapproval towards oppression could only appeal to the oppressed lower class in the country, thus this angst could not be legitimized by the establishment, and transmitted to the rest of the nation.

Britain suffered an extreme sense of inferiority in art due to the Reformation that destroyed all artistic traditions, and this exerted a lot of social emphasis on establishing a national artistic identity of their own. As a result of this immense need, artists like Reynolds rose up to the occasion in creating an identity that gave British artists something to be proud of, something to aspire towards. However, it is precisely because of this aspiration in artists to become highly regarded by the establishment, that enslaved art to the demand of the art market. This attempt to rank art also marginalized artist like Blake, thus creating a surge in the Other artistic identity in Britain, with artists seeking to create new identities that made up for the inadequacies of the formally established art identity. As a result of the inability to arrive at an identity that most identified with, its national art identity was highly volatile and constantly changing.

References:
Leng, John. William Blake’s Songs of Innocence & Experience.
Leng, John. Romanticism Overview.
Leng, John. (2) Joshua Reynolds’s Discourses & William Blake’s Annotations to Reynolds’s Discourses.
National Art Gallery, UK. “Lady Cockburn and her Three Eldest Sons” . Cited 9 October 2007.
National Art Gallery, UK. “Charity” < worknumber="NG6494">. Cited 9 October 2007.
National Art Gallery, UK. “The Toilet of Venus” . Cited 9 October 2007.

2007-11-12T02:10:00.000-08:00

Been watching tonnes of Korean drama/movie these days.. haha 200 pounds beauty has really nice OST. thus i've decided to use it as my website songs.. after all.. the first song is "Beautiful girl" haha.. suits my wall paper.. haha

Beautiful Girl Lyrics (Teaser Edit -200 Pounds Beauty OST)
Singer: Kim Ah Jung / Romanization by Kreah

You’re my beautiful girl
Beautiful girl
Kudae-nun arumda-un naye beautiful

na-neun nomu ippo nan cham sek-shi-hae
mimo-neun naye mugi
I’m a beautiful girl
ta na-reul bomyon mududul ssurojine
nanun beautiful girl

shin-sasonyo yorobon
minyoron sogae-hamnida
olgurun marhal got optgo
mommae-do chongmal hwansang-i-ji-yo
hello hello

na-neun nomu ippo nan cham sek-shi-hae
mimo-neun naye mugi
I’m a beautiful girl
ta na-reul bomyon mududul ssurojine
nanun beautiful girl
nanun beautiful girl
nanun beautiful girl
nanun beautiful girl

Byul / Byol / Star Lyrics (200 Pounds Beauty OST)
Singer: Youme / Romanization by Kreah

param-kyori cha-ngeu-rheun-teul-go
nae kiman-han cha-gun naye bang wi-ro
arum-taun-ke pyul-bit-durun
kaduk chae-wo-chuneyo
sel-su-obshi manhunt pyul-tu-reun
ji-chyo-in-nun na-reul oru-man-chimyo
nae mam-soge katok tamun
nun-mul tak-ka shu-neyo

man-hyi apa-ha-ji-ma
nal kkung anun-chae
tado-kyojumyo chal-jara
wero-hae ju-neyo

goshi mo-thal man-kum
hime gyowa apa-wado
nun-muri a-peul kar-yowado
gatchi-mothan nae sarang apedo
na usul-lae-yu
cham-shira-do gyote
haeng-bo-khaet-don giok-turul
ga-sume gan-ji-khal-kkeyo
tunune sunoh-a-jin
cho pyol-deul-cho-rom yongwonhi

kkumul kku-deut taka-uneyo
yu-nu-nhi-do balkun naye byol hana
nunbu-shi-mi panjja-gimyo
okkae-wiro naer-yo-wa

jakku sulpo-hajima
son kkong chabun-chae
nal manchyo-jumyo
tta-seu-hi nal kamssa-shu-neyo

goshi mo-thal man-kum
hime gyowa apa-wado
nun-muri a-peul kar-yowado
gatchi-mothan nae sarang apedo
na usul-lae-yu
cham-shira-do gyote
haeng-bo-khaet-don giok-turul
ga-seum-soge gan-chikhal-kke-yo
tunune sunoh-ajin
cho pyol-deul-chorom ooohhhh

na onul-manun anu-royu
nun-muri kadokchowado
chogi cho byol-deul-chorom
na u-seul-lae-yo ooohhhh
haeng-bokhaet-don giok-modu
ga-sume gan-ji-khal-kkeyo
tunune sunoh-a-jin
cho pyon-deul-cho-rom
yongwonhi

the wind is shaking the windows,and over my small room,
the stars fill up the sky, shining brightly too many to count,
the stars reassure tired me
they wipe away the many tears that are deep inside me

don’t be hurt too much..they hug me tight and pamper me
and comfort me,
telling me to go to sleep

though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walk
though my tears blur my vision
I’ll still smile in front of my love that I’m not able to get

Even though our happy times were short, I’ll treasure it deep inside my heart
like those countless number of stars, forever

My dream is coming. though it is unusual that my one star is bright
it is very bright, even blinding..it comes down to my shoulder
stop being so sad..it holds my hand as it touches me
and gives me a warm hug

though I’m exhausted to the point where I can’t walkthough my tears blur my vision
I’ll still smile in front of my love that I’m not able to get

Even though our happy times were short, I’ll treasure it deep inside my heart
like those countless number of stars, forever

Only for today, I won’t cry though my eyes fill with tears
I want to laugh like those stars
Oh~ I want to cherish all my happy moments deep inside my heart
Like those countless number of stars, forever

2007-11-02T00:30:00.001-07:00

I thank all who have loved me in their hearts
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I thank all who have loved me in their hearts,
With thanks and love from mine. Deep thanks to all
Who paused a little near the prison-wall
To hear my music in its louder parts
Ere they went onward, each one to the mart's
Or temple's occupation, beyond call.
But thou, who, in my voice's sink and fall
When the sob took it, thy divinest Art's
Own instrument didst drop down at thy foot
To harken what I said between my tears, . . .
Instruct me how to thank thee! Oh, to shoot
My soul's full meaning into future years,
That they should lend it utterance, and salute
Love that endures, from life that disappears!

2007-10-27T19:12:00.000-07:00

What's so bad about feeling sad?

Why do people try so hard to feel happy if ti's not in their capacity to? Sadness isn't THAT bad occassionally. Instead of trying desperately to be happy, just be sad. haha. and u'll appreciate happiness more and in turn become happier.. haha

Seriously im really fed up with the whole experiential learning which is sounding really like a cult to me. no offense to my friend, i think this course does not bring you any closer to yourself than where you started, it just brought u to THINK that you are. which, i think, is worse than before. at least in the past, you know that you don't know.. now, you are equally lost, and you actually thought that you are closer, and you encourage others to be as lost as you are?!

okae i usu dun mind pple doing stuffs that get them all lost and all in themselves n all.. cos R-E-S-P-E-C-T.. but when people dun RESPECT ME! I get really pissed...

2007-10-27T18:50:00.000-07:00

Interesting..

That people seem to be able to choose an apt time to pass into the other world.. apt for the rest of the world, apt for their loved ones who are left behind..

That we seem to imagine the emotional pain inflicted by the passing of our loved ones countless times in our mind, never getting remotely close to the actuality of it..

That people tend to spend their entire life chasing after goals, when the attainment of those exists only in a split of a second and the chasing process took up the rest of the time..

That love is no longer treasured by people as an eternity, but an emotional convenience...

That the more i love, the more i realise that i am incapable of loving perfectly...

Granny passed away on tues, it's strange how i accepted her death as an "absence of a presence". maybe the feeling hasn't sunk in yet. I've always known myself to be extremely retarded in emotional response.. might take weeks for me to realise certain emotion. Nevertheless, like mom said, we all have been expecting it for the past few yrs, it's just a matter of time. Which makes me wonder.. does expectation towards certain inevitable happening cushion the actual emotion inflicted by that event?*shrug*

A friend had a little conflict with me yesterday cos he's joint this 'experiential learning' programme that he feels really revitalised and all, and he kept telling me to go for it and all every conversation i have with him. Which got me really annoyed. so I shot him back, "u dun need to go for courses to find our abt urself.." n he told me to shut up. well.. being frm an all-girls school, and hanging out with local gentry.. (gosh tt sounds elitist) i am not realli used to pple telling me to "shut up" n i was taken aback.. so i mistook his meaning of a joking "shut up" (however amusing as it sounds).. as something rude n uncouth. Definitely not the way to treat a lady. :) then again, strictly speaking im no lady, cos a lady wuldnt haf to work for a living, like the gentleman. haha..

so I told him to mind his Ps n Qs. n he culdnt understand wat I meant.. so I gave this realli longgg story about how it means mind ur pints n quarts cos in the olden day bars where pple drink their beers it's impt to mind the pints n quarts etc etc and there's another alternative saying that it originated from the olden day press when they often mix up the P and the Q letters blabla..

conclusion. mind ur manners.

lol

gosh, someone ought to slap some sense into me for being such a naggy crap.

anyway he said tt im so sensitive.. n din noe im such a softie.. no wonder i cant get a bf cos i scare awae all the guys. Hey that's really low man.. n im like.. u duno me. it's for fair for him to pass all these comments lightly, very irresponsible comments i'd think. n i think im appalled by the many people out there who kept thinking that im something they assume me to be due to my looks (hey i din choose my face alright). n he said that i realli ought to go for the course so that i can stop being the cynnical me as i am..n tt he thinks tt realli a lota pple must haf luved mi but i prob brushed them aside.. GOSH. who is the cynnical n judgemental one here.. ah welll.. im like. pls do not preach me like an evangelical christian, i don't like that :) i haf lots of pple who realli luv mi n they noe tt i realli apreciate them for that. (seriously if u ask arnd mi friends.. i'd confident ot sae tt they wun dispute that i realli appreciate my loved ones), so i culdnt haf been brushing aside too mani pple according to his logic.. ALTERNATIVELY, i must haf been realli realli luvable that after me brushing aside so mani pple in mi life (according to his logic, again), that i stil have so mani loved ones by my side whom i've not 'brushed aside' yet.

haha.. but im just amused at how right I am about my intuition towards certain pple.. this guy really reminds me of Jacob., oddly, somehow. Looking back, I realised that I really learnt a lot of things and grew quite a bit over the past 5 yrs.. :) That which does not kill you, indeed makes you stronger.

2007-10-07T22:29:00.000-07:00

I met someone new today
He feels familiar

He reminds me of you

I would have loved him the way
I loved you

But

He reminds me of you

2007-10-06T04:19:00.000-07:00

“送君千里，
终需一别。”

君子之交淡如水，
义重情长浓如血。

知己心腹暖如茶，
女豪壮志烈如酒。

朝夕相照甜如蜜，
终需一别苦如泪。

多年交心唯尔尊，
独往异国倍思亲，
望君如愿学成归，
不枉此情白了头。

haha another attempt at chinese poetry.. it's hard.. haha. it's for my cousin who's been with me for the many years of my life.. and has left for Germany for 5 yrs of studies.. or 6.. :( I miss her already.. okae some of the things dun seem to make much sense.. but i tried my best!! hahah.. opportunity cost.. it's the "overall feeling" haah

a little context to prac critiquing this.. note that most of the descriptions are in the form of water or liquid state thing.. remember from 红楼梦 the main protagonist said something that "Women are made of water".. so I thought it'll be interesting to use all kind of watery things to describe this..

2007-10-05T04:25:00.001-07:00

I told char that I'll write her a poem in celebration of our love! haha.. Here it goes..

Black is the colour of her eyes,
Black was the colour of my soul.

Red, crimson red is the colour of her heart,
Red, bloody red was the colour of my soul.

Green, green of the fields, in spring is the colour of her life,
Green, green of envy, without love was the colour of my soul.

Blue, bluest of all skies, on a clear day, when you can see forever is the colour of her soul.
Blue, bluest of all blues, in a season, out of time was the colour of my soul.

And we met.

"I'm a Lacto-Vegetarian!"
she proclaimed.
"I'm a Pseudo-Cannibal..."
I balked.

Her eyes turned
blue with empathy,
green with tranquility,
red with passion
and finally,
black with eternity.

The eternity of time,
The infinity of love.

Our lives, moving in parallel extreme opposites,
Crossed
At the point of infinity
Eternally

My soul lost its colours of woes,
and found its colour of joy.

"Let there be light"

2007-10-02T03:30:00.000-07:00

I got this from Char's blog.. Lovely.

Tonight I can write

by Pablo Neruda
translated by W.S. Merwin

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

The Spanish Version..

puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche

Pablo Neruda (1924)

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: «La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos».

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oír la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

I lik eto guess words.. ahha.. i think spanish prob feels more right n prob lonelier n sadder n more isolated in this poem.. i duno haha.. sounds like it.. :D haha

2007-10-01T05:17:00.000-07:00

I've been so caught up in complaining about how nobody can and ever will appreciate me in my entirety and uniqueness, that I neglected the fact that, I, too, cannot appreciate you in your uniqueness.

So this is it, I just ended my most recent crush. The record is 1 week plus.

2007-09-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

A write up for this oil painting I did in j2..

Who.

Who.
Beseech not the question,
For the question knows not its answer,

Who.
Aye, merely a statement
of being,
As one who knows not
Of her past,
Nor future,
Let alone her present
Alienation

From who.

2007-09-27T23:08:00.000-07:00

This is a poem from Char's blog..

Boats
by Cyril Wong

Boats

You and your photographs of boats;
that repeated metaphor for departure,

or simply the possibility of a voyage?
What you cannot tell me you tell me

with a vessel and its single passenger,
eyes fixed on some skylit conclusion.

Set apart and starkly upon a canvas
of tractable waves, brought to still

by the trigger-click of your camera,
like the sound a key makes when it

releases the lock. Your heart became
that lock; these images how you have

always articulated distance, a withdrawal.
Darling, there are just as many ways

of saying goodbye as there are ways
of letting you go. The boat is narrow

like the width of my heart after
impossible loss, cruel resignation;

this heart you ride in. Love, if this is how
you choose to leave me let me let you.

I read it haphazardly a few days back, now upon close scrutiny, I realise that there's nothing to scrutinize, only a lot to feel.. Love, if this is how you choose to leave me let me let you. I wonder why the strange punctuations and paragraphing.. I think this is liek a reading-speech pattern. It puts to a stop where you wanted a smooth transgression in the sentence, because it
1.wants to emphasis certain words and ideas
2. break the flow because of the staccato kind of feeling, broken up like the silent out of breath weeping of the heart.

Such alienate, such loneliness, such helplessness, such calm.

I think love is really not complicated, why do we like to complicate things by wanting a happily ever after when the only thing you have, is the present? charmaine n I think that we really wanna love someone just for the moment, but we think that it might mean that we would be hurt in the future. opportunity cost eh.. :S

2007-09-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

I think it's true..

Absence to love is like wind is to fire, it extinguishesh the little and enkindles the great.

:)

I think all couples getting together shuld b able to live apart fr each other for a substantial period of time juz to see if they can survive thru it.. haha.. though it mite b a make or break thing.. :)

2007-09-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

The worst betrayal is the betrayal of self.

I think that underneath all my insecurities and fear of commitment and distrust towards guys, lies my greatest insecurity towards myself. I think i don't trust myself enough.

I think the reason why I have not gotten attached, partly is cos

Something really Pinteresque n waiting for Godotish, if i do go down to getting attached, then I'll have to prove that I can live up to my own expectation of being a good and faithful girlfriend who will never get bored of my guy. And deep inside, i can't be sure. though I want to.

I have some panics recently when i think about forever, cos I'm afraid of the notion of everything becoming stagnant after a certain time.

I think that I'll have to trust myself in love more.

2007-09-26T03:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it just takes someone from halfway around the world to appreciate you, but does he?
Charmaine says that she feels that maybe people do like us, but she feels that it’s hard to find someone who really appreciate us with all the uniqueness. It’s like someone likes you for being special, but he might not be liking you for you, he might just like the idea that you’re special. So it’s the entire idea of being in love or in love with the idea of love. I would like to believe that the special someone whom I felt the connection with, saw in me what others couldn’t. But I am not sure because if he has, then he has been too far away..

Familiar unfamiliarity

I like the look in your eyes,
So firm, so certain, so fortifying.
I like the smile on your face,
So charming, so friendly, so diplomatic.
I like so many things about you,
Even your perfection*.

But the uncertainty of your
Fortifying look,
Diplomatic smile,
Perfect persona,
Isolates me from the remote possibility of
Knowing you.

*I'm always really cynnical towards n annoyed by "peusdo-perfection" people.. like they feel so unreal. haha. maybe im just jealous. hahahaha.. cos ANYTHING but perfect. and that's good news! hahah cos then like jigsaws, i can find someone who can complete me!

Out of reach

Thee, my love,
I hail thy crimson heart,
That beats with the chiming of thy clock.
For mine,
Hath long been stopped with the passage of time.

Thee, my love,
I hail thy carefree solidarity,
That thrives with thy voyage of the world.
For mine,
Hath long been bounded to the earth of love.

Thee, my love,
I hail thy presence,
That stained my dead heart red, my dull earth brown.
For them,
Hath finally seen the otherness of thy world.

Aye, my love,
I hail thee in all due respect,
That of which,
I recognized as not being part of.

Sometimes you just feel sad that you really like someone, but you know that it’s never meant to be.

I really agree that girls think too much. I was talking to Oyster who said something like “guys are the romantics, girls are the pragmatics”. Come to think of it, it’s so true. Guys rarely hesitate on the basis that the two people would not work out practically, or in terms of compatibility, they just dive in and go for the chase if they feel it. (of course, hesitation would bring them nowhere with the girl cos pretty much of the chasing’s done by the male species) I guess I’m just waiting for the romantic guy to do the chase. Haha.. Yes, I have romantic spur of the moments! Just catch me at the right time I guess.

This is the story of a prude,
Who married the crude.

She wants
no kiss
no touch
no sex

She wants
perfect love
perfect attention
perfect fidelity

She wants
all of his authorities
half of his earnings
none of his worries

He gives
free kisses
free touches
even
free sexes

He gives
total love
total attention
even
total fidelity

He gives
none of his temper
half of his asset*
even
all of his life

Indeed,
What a crude and a prude!

*haha some finance context here: Asset = Liability + Shareholder’s Equity, by half, I mean the shareholder’s equity part that actually count for something, so essentially, he keeps the debt to himself.

HAHA!! I think the free sexes part is really funny!! HAAHAHHA :X

2007-09-24T19:19:00.000-07:00

I'm reading my horoscope on some random magazine the other day, and it's interesting how my september 21 week is gona turn out..

Symphonie Fantastique is widely regarded as one of the most important pieces of music of the 19th century. French composer Hector Berlioz wrote it in 1830 as a response to being rejected by the woman he loved, hoping to seduce her with the power of his artistry. Your assignment in the coming week, Taurus, is to emulate Berlioz: Capitalize on a refusal you've had to endure; create a masterpiece in rebellion against a repudiation you've experienced; make a thing of beauty to compensate for being shunned or ignored. (p.s. the woman in question, Harriet Smithson, eventually married Berlioz).

Isn't it so sweet?!?! ahha. I love it!! Yes, so I've not received news from him for a few days, and I realy missed him quite a bit yesterday night, out of deep sorrow and boredom, i wrote him some stupid cheesy poems!! hahaha im SO PROUD OF my cheesy poems though!! hahaha cos it's SO CORNY!! hahha I know char loves my blog, so I shall write it here!! hahahha

Char, please love it! It's for you-know-who. haha

Cheesiness 1:

When I first saw you,
I thought you were drunk.
When I next saw you,
I fell for your charm.
Now, when I see you,
You're such a bum!
A bum who makes me drunk,
(not on rum),
with all his charm!
And I am hopelessly in love
with this special bum!

HAHAHAHA!! I LOVE IT!

Cheesiness 2:

I know you too little,
I like you too much.
You're such a riddle,
A mystery, and such.

I like you too soon,
I know you too late,
But you're the kind of 'homme',
That I'd like to date.

So if you're free,
would you go out with me?
Because,

I've missed you too long.

Please comment!! hahhhaha.. im pretty proud of them.. shamelessly proud of them.. hahha.. cos for once it's a happy poem!! haha.. quite diff from the rest of my blog.. but i guess here's more private, limited viewership.. hahhha.. tts gd eh?

opps.. according to wikipedia.. Berlioz fell in love with an Irish actress, Harriet Smithson, after attending a performance of Shakespeare's Hamlet with her in the role of Ophelia, on 11 September 1827. He sent her numerous love letters, all of which went unanswered. When she left Paris they had still not met. He then wrote the symphony as a way to express his unrequited love. It premiered in Paris on December 5, 1830; Harriet was not present. She eventually heard the work in 1832 and realized that she was the genesis. The two finally met and were married on October 3, 1833. While the marriage was happy for several years, they were divorced nine years later, partially due to the language barrier between them.[1]

2007-09-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

beautiful song, beautiful images, beautiful video.

Haha, the other night I told Jairo that he broke my heart. He got a shock!! hahhaa i think what i actually meant wasnt exactly that he REALLI broke my heart, it's something he said that really touched me deeply. I guess to me, breaking my heart means to break the wall that surrounds it. Not to break my heart per se. haha.. okae, my heart's got a bit of identity crisis, it's not sure if the wall is part of it, or is it contained within a wall.

Jairo said something about girls. he said girls think too much. that's the whole problem. haha.. i think he's a victim of "girls thinking too much" and "girls taking too much advice from female magazines offering lousy advices from women who noes nuts abt men" hahah.. I think so too..

Is it wrong to put love on a pedestal? I guess it's not a question of right n wrong. it's more of, what would bring u to someone that can make you smile, make you happy and all. :) I think that I'm realli flexible!! seriously!! like okae im open to open relationship.. IF i feel that the person really cares and loves me. Okae, "HE" was a mistake because of his status quo then. But I guess it shows that i am capable of liking someone just because I feel that way.. Well, except that im not sure, whether i like him and dated him because i know that there is definitely NO future so that's a certainty that i can handle. as compared to having no certainty if there is a future or not when it's w someone else who's got the right status quo. *shrug*

I think im too insecure for my own good. I think im so insecure that i dun even think tt i trust myself! and i feel insecure w myself! yes, marvin said tt the prob is not if im trustable or not, it's if the guy can trust me or not. Sometimes, when u dun feel trusted by them, u start to question urself! n yes im so pissed at myself for tt sometimes!!! but u cant help but get kinda influenced into thinking mayb, they have a reason to think tt way!

2007-09-23T07:05:00.000-07:00

(I Ain't) Missing You
Tyler Hilton

Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here, and you're miles away
And I'm wonderin' why you left
And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name in certain circles, and it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinkin' about you, and it's almost driving me wild
And there's a heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you, no matter what I might say
There's a message in the wire, and I'm sending you this signal tonight

You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning, though I'm trying hard to understand
And it's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all Since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you, No matter what my friends say
And there's a message that I'm sending out, Like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance, Stop this heartbreak Overload

I ain't missing you,I ain't missing you, I can lie to Myself
And there's a storm That's raging through my frozen heart Tonight

Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here, and you're miles away
And I'm wonderin' why you left
And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart Tonight

I hear your name in certain circles, and it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinkin' about you, and it's almost driving me wild
And there's a heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight

I ain't missing you at all since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you, no matter what I might say
There's a message in the wire, and I'm sending you this signal tonight
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight

In your world I have no meaning, though I'm trying hard to understand
And it's my heart that's breaking down this long distance Line tonight

I ain't missing you at all Since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you, No matter what my friends say
And there's a message that I'm sending out, Like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance, Stop this heartbreak Overload
I ain't missing you,I ain't missing you, I can lie to Myself
And there's a storm That's raging through my frozen heart Tonight

2007-09-21T00:35:00.000-07:00

William Blake's Songs of Innocence and Experience is a collection of his poetry with his illuminations that elevates visual images and paintings to the status of words and poetry. He is probably one of the first few to attempt that. I like him cos he likes paradoxes and opposites. Such as in his songs of innocence n his songs of experience, there are poems that mirror each other, but the speaker's of a different stage in life and understanding of the world. I think these two are the two contrasting ones. and since I think of myself as a white rose, I think that it's rather relevant to put it in.

"THE BLOSSOM "
Merry, merry sparrow!
Under leaves so green
A happy blossom
Sees you, swift as arrow,
Seek your cradle narrow,
Near my bosom.
Pretty, pretty robin!
Under leaves so green
A happy blossom
Hears you sobbing, sobbing,
Pretty, pretty robin,
Near my bosom.

"The Sick Rose"
O Rose thou art sick.
The invisible worm,
That flies in the night
In the howling storm:

Has found out thy bed
Of crimson joy:
And his dark secret love
Does thy life destroy.

2007-09-20T19:55:00.000-07:00

I refer to my karmabefall blog's entry on who killed love story.

What happened to the olden days love stories? It doesn't even have to be second or third hand stories u read from books, both my maternal and paternal grandparents have love stories that are just..incroyable!

My grandpa (both incidently) were supposed to escape to taiwan.. haha.. yes i'd have been born a taiwanese had they done tt. or maybe not at all.. anyway the point is, mom's dad was about to board the ship to taiwan, cos he was from KMT, and he thought of granny! and he actually abandoned the plan altogether to be with granny. And maybe general people have no idea how much courage it takes, cos it was the crazy age of revolutions and persecutions, and most people went crazy during those period under those pressure and condemnation. My granddad went thru all that, for the sake of love!

And now, couples quarrel, they break up cos they probably can find someone else anyway. People let go and move on. I'm not saying that it's necessarily a bad thing, cos sometimes it's easier to let go and move on. But what happens to the sanctity of love? Right now I'm kinda perplexed. haha.. Like part of me look at what's going on around me, my friends, the society, and I realise that people don't stay in love much anymore. Another part of me look at my parents, my grandparents, the fairytales and romance movies, and believe that somewhere out there, there has to be someone who believes in it like I do! (yea yea yea I know Jean Paul Sartre said that 'to believe, is to know you believe. to know you believe, is to not believe' haha)

It's not really much of a sad entry is it? Maybe sadness isn't an absolute feeling, it's a relative feeling to the feeling of happiness. The happier you are, sometimes the sadder you get. so maybe i've not been crazily happy these days, so im not realli that crazily sad. haha..

E=mc^2
relativity.. Emotional intensity= time of the Month X Contrast between the higher n lowest(to the power of 2)
Yes, it ONLY applies to girls for the moment, til i can find proper equation that's more universal. haha..

2007-08-24T22:12:00.000-07:00

MATCHBOX 20 LYRICS

"Leave"

It's amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all

It's unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell

I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

It's aggravating
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out

I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me
But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now

If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

I'm not saying there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now

If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out
Tell me is that how it's going to end
When you know you've been depending on
The one you're leaving now
And the one you're leaving out
The one you're leaving now
The one you're leaving out

Strange, I kinda like this song in a way that it touches me. Though it's not exactly anything close to the vacuum in my love life now. haha.. i guess it kinda touches me softly on my most vulnerable past. haha.. suddenly u're like back to 5 years ago! and it doesn't help that my iTunes is playing Mandy Moore's Crush. The very song that he dedicated to me when he was hopelessly in love with me, and when I was hopelessly clueless about it. haha.. :) youth. such young things we were.

Now, I only see Mandy Moore in movies. and him, not at all.

oh great, now what, "fixing a broken heart" is on.. haha.. Hope is a wonderful thing, cos it keeps you alive.

2007-08-14T01:13:00.001-07:00

“Why does it hurt so bad,
Why do I feel so sad?”

You hurt for you(r) love.
The pain lingers on where love has found nowhere to reside,
Hoping to reconcile the alienation between them,
As a result of HER.

You love for you(r) hurt.
Love stays where the pain seeps deep into the soul,
Trying to alienate the pain from the soul,
As a result of HER.

I see red.
Scarlet red.
Bloody red.

You are bleeding,
From the absence of HER.

Halt,
Easy,
Relax.

You are bleeding,
In your outcry for HER.

Feel,
Think,
Appreciate.

You are bleeding,
Because your heart is beating.
For her.

2007-08-03T19:09:00.000-07:00

My Way by Frank Sinatra

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.

Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, Im sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.

I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.
Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

2007-08-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, you just don't know who to trust to pour your heart out to..

God does not play dice with the Universe.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I always believe that there's always something to gain from anything that happened.. haha..

I'm glad I gained a friend. :)

I think that we should always believe our inner voice.. I'm glad that I did.. haha.. cos i think your subconsciousness has this innate ability to cushion ur fall.. I'm glad that I trusted the tiny doubt that I had for a split second.

Your misplacement of my trust,
Displaced me

Your displacement of my intention,
Misplaced me

And

This displacement,
Misplaced,
Returns me to where we started:

The End

2007-08-02T07:26:00.000-07:00

I think that the world has a very fixed idea of things. How things should be like, how people should behave etc. Sometimes it's very frustrating that people are trying to impose their thoughts on you, and you know that they meant good, yet you know that their lifestyle, their ideas, are not for you.

There is a reason why I am in this life of mine, and not anyone else's. It's for me to live my life.

People have commented that my love for so many people makes my love look cheap. Well, my proudest argument is, God loves us all, but that does not make his love any less valuable! Just cos someone cannot understand my capacity to love (aka, he does not have such capacity to love), does not mean that this kind of ability does not exist!

I think it's perfectly fine to love uniquely (as he so aptly put), but it's not alright to say that just cos I love many, i can't love uniquely! it's not mutually exclusive! Everyone has a different DNA, so what makes u think that our love is not as diversified as our DNA? what makes u think that emotion is less advanced than our bodily make-ups?

If there is no hope for love except to love romantically, then the world would be a very cold place! or, a very scandalous place! haha..

I believe that you can never love in vain. Because love needs no validation. If someone does not respond to your love, it does not mean that it is thus in vain, it merely means that it is not reciprocated. To say that one has loved in vain, would be to suggest that this love is not worth giving at all, and who is to judge whether anyone is worthy of this love or not? *shrug* just my two cents.. im watching hk tv series.. :D i miss the hk pple.. luking at them, is like watching a live tv series. haha..

2007-07-29T06:39:00.000-07:00

Does it have to the case, that when one has have been truly hurt by someone before he/she can display the great propancity to love?

Does one have to have sorrow and pain in one's eyes to be loved?

What if all that you can see in my eyes are smiles and roses?
Would you love me less?

What if all that you can see in my eyes are tears and rain?
Would you love me more?

What if someone took those smiles and roses from my eyes,
and put in the tears and rain?

Would you take my blues away?

Hmm... What if you have tears in your eyes too? What happens now?
"Am I unwise, to open up your eyes to love me"

2007-07-29T06:30:00.000-07:00

Butch Walker

"Thank-You Note"
As she woke up for the final injection
The sickness was hard
When there was no one around
And it spread to her hands
And it spread to her legs
And they felt like the mud from the pond on the ground
That she played in as a kid
What she did to deserve this
While her friends were at parties
She was on the floor, with a mixture of blood
Sweat and tears by her head
That's when she said, can I be dead?
Yeah I've heard that before

So as I'm writing this thank you note
There's just one thing she wanted you to know
Just before she had to go, she said that she liked you

Just hung the painting that we found of London
I never saw the beauty of that city before
As it sat in our basement next to board games and year books
With a faint smell of must, dust and dog food on the floor

So as I'm writing this thank you note
There's just one thing she wanted you to know
Just before she had to go, she said that she liked you

"Mixtape"
You say hello, inside I'm screaming I love you
You say goodnight, in my mind
I'm sleeping next to you
You drive away from my car crash of a heart
And I don't know

Cause you gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
I just wish there was so much more than that
About me and you

You talk to him, and it burns me like the sun
You talk to her, and you say that you feel like he's the one
I talk to me, but you can't hear the pain I feel
You don't know

Cause you gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the sad songs ain't so sad
I only wish that there was more than that
About me and you x2(Bridge)

oh, don't turn around and say bye again
Yeah it crushes my head when you call me your friend
I'm not the same person
From back in the day in the back of the class
that you thought was gay
No I can't find the words cause I lost them
The minute they fell out of my mouth
ya it's love and I'm in it, so give me your lips
And just let me kiss 'em and let's get messed up and listen to probably...
The best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
I just wish there was so much more than that
About me and you

2007-07-07T05:35:00.000-07:00

It's not a fantastic day/weekend.

Why doesn't anyone trust that,
I know how to be happy,
I can be happy,
Just the way I am?

Is degree necessarily the road to happiness? success? wealth?

It hurts me a lot when my parents think that it's not important for me to connect with people I love, it's not important for me to spend time with my friends, it's not important for me to learn new things and explore my interest.

If there is no connection in this world, then the world would be an awfully cold place, unfit for human. To strip me of the very nature of my existence, would be asking me nothing less than to end my life. So today's discussion, rather than being the discussion for the wellbeing of my future, it is more aptly described as a persuasion to end it.

However, I'm not the least convinced of it.

Life is beautiful.

I really wish to find a job overseas, and just stay there.
I think I will be happier.

But then, I'll lose all my connections, all my current connections.

Maybe that's why, when one decides to move overseas and start afresh, one dies for the first time..

Is death really that scary? I guess the only thing scary about death is that it seems to be a definitive end. the exit that does not have an entrance elsewhere. well, but we never know for sure if any exit wil have an entrance somewhere anyway, it's like a probability thing. Just because everything that we know, all the exits that we've come across, lead to an entrance elsewhere, it is not enough proof to thus assume that every next exit that we encounter wil have an entrance elsewhere.

that's the way I see it:

My dad worked so hard all his life, he's rather moderately well-off, has a decent family (well, I do consider myself contributing to the decency of the family for your info) and he is still not happy.

why?

cos he's lost the connection. his exit didn't lead to any entrance. When he left China for work in Singapore, he left it definitively. His lost of connection with his environment, his friends, killed him, for the first time, and the last time.

Zhiwei said that I should have stayed at home more often..
Home is where the heart is.
I do want to stay, when the weather at home is all sunny, but when it's stormy, I would not. And you know the weather.. it's like a woman's temper.. you never know when it changes.

I have enough of uncertainty.. honestly if you ask me, even death is an uncertainty. haha what if you make it back alive?! haha then it's not a certain end! lol

Alright, I like to write my sorrow away.. Now i feel much better..

I just wish my parents can be happier. and I won't contribute to their pain and agony..

:(

2007-07-07T05:28:00.000-07:00

Dad brought out his own result slip,
Very well, let's see what have we got here...
All brilliantly done, great results,
except one C.

It's an eyesore isn't it?
Well, I really didn't have any interest in it,
PLUS it's an useless subject.

He looked up at me, as if I were that eyesore,
Look at yours.
3 C+

I wish I had one more eye for the sore.

I wish.
I wish I had one more eye for the sore of the Cs,
I wish I had one more eye for the sore of my heart,
and
I wish I had one more eye for the sore on my dad's face.

2007-06-25T01:56:00.000-07:00

21 was his love
lucky 21
blessed 21
joyous 21

21 is my age
happening 21
driven 21
lonely 21

What is in a number?
What is with the number?

Nothing.
Just memories.
Nothing more.

2007-05-09T18:33:00.000-07:00

I want to hate
I want to hate
I want to hate
you

Hate for my loss of
Hate for your gain on
Hate for our fight over
her

but

I lost

2007-05-06T06:33:00.000-07:00

dug up something from the past.. Xinen's writing all over it.. :) our story. yes. THE Our Story.. ahah.. i stil have it.. everytime i clear mi room i just keep it.. haha. it's realy special.

Then along with it.. is a piece of paper with YW, En, Piggy n Ja's comment on wat they think of me.. :) it's been a while.. since sec 2..haha.. I duno, just that when I read wat ja wrote.. mi heart aches a little. n when i read en n pig's comments. i juz feel tt.. i miss ny. a lot. was clearing mi stuffs... n i reali miss ny.. :(

I miss being really carefree..

haha. just to recap..

Xinen:
My positive points: Hm, loyal. Humourous, likes to laugh, Fiery, true to your heart, smart. At least smart enough. Lol

my negative points: Hey look Girl. YOu're like my best friend, so I've learnt to see and accept your flaws, and they've just become YOU. So, all I can say is I dunno about this at all.

overall feeling: You're my bvest friend, girl!=] And yeppers, you're wonderful, fabulous fantastic, and you deserve the bestest stuff on earth!

Dumbo:
My positive points: Amiable, Friendly, Sociable, Artistically gifted, People Person, Certain leadership qualities, kind, sympathetic, concerned

my negative points: Lazy, Short-sighted prospect on knowledge, spends too much time online, Dun make full use of yr intelligence, etc

overall feelings: Someone tt I wanna jio HAHAHahaHHahAh...=)

Piggy:
gan zuo gan dang and straightforward? hmm..
overall feeling..
i think...red is really the colour for you..
that's abt wat i m gonna say
coz, u happy and blush = red
u angry and erupt = red

Ja:
GD POINTS: hmm.. a lot.. i list bout a few can liaoz arr.... friendly...self confident... den ya is oso good listener... hmm.. n mayB a great advisor oso.. hahaz... n wart else arr... ya speak well... encourages others.. hahaz...believes in wart ya believe in... n sensitive 2 others feelings.... haf ur own set of tinking... veri veri smart... n of course talented... n too mani 2 list liaoz.. hahaz... cannort list too mani.. hahaz..later ya sae i flatter ya..hahaz...but if ya tink rite... u need sum good pts 2 b flatter bout.. hahahaz... den nort 2 forget being caring oso..

BAD POINTS: hmm.. wah....tiz is hard liaoz..nort mani 2 sae.. hahahz... nort flattering ya.. but juz true..hahaz... hmm.... ya is unpredictable at times... realli scary at others...hahaz... n hmm... i tink mayB can sae dat ya a bit 2 ego at times .. but i would put dat as a good point instead .. hhahahaz.... anw.. dats bout it.. hahaz... reallli.. hahaz

OVERALL: GREAT GREAT GREAT friend. .... ... ... so friendly mah .. so realli good friend ... n perharps confidant..hahaz...dats it lor.. hahaz... actualli can write essae on it.. hahaz... but i it is betta liddat ... short.. short n sweet.. hahaz.. as sweet as ya.. hahaz...

Hahah.. wow.. please note: EVERYTHING is really the original way of typing at it is.. ahah.. im amazedd at how similar i sound to ja when i type. the spelling n the punctuation. haha. I dun miss him, I just miss the past.

2007-05-06T04:59:00.000-07:00

I have been disguised..
By assumptions
By fear
By insecurity
By inferiority

I have been disguised..
By the world

2007-05-06T04:07:00.000-07:00

I am tired of always the one taking the initiatives for things. I didn't know that some relationships need to be so trying.. I think maybe it's time to just let it be. I will not let myself feel lonely because of one man, but honestly, what is it about a man, that makes a woman so lonely? Maybe it's everything in him but love.

A lot of people think that I lose interest in things easily..
I think it's not my choice..
People just don't keep up.
Is it really that hard to keep up?
I tried slowing down, but it seems like the more I slow down, the slower others get..

No more men for now.. though i'd love to have one.. but seems like the men arent really that forthcoming.. mayb it's just me.

I have a bad feeling that I might have to end up alone.. eventually. ms lim said i shuldnt b luking.. then i'll prob find.. i dun wan to b luking.. but it's juz natural

2007-05-03T20:10:00.000-07:00

If I were to live forever
Would you love me forever?

If I were to love you forever
Would you love me forever?

Maybe love does have an
expiry date

That's why we don't live forever
Cos we cant love forever

Forever is a long time
Longer than life
Longer than love
Longer than any promise of
You and me forever.

2007-05-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

Death

When I was born
I knew nothing about u

As I grow
I heard of u

When I fell in love
I forgot u

As I grow older
I witnessed u

Now
As I look
At the void in my left chest
I realised that
I am you

2007-04-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

Sorry seems to be the hardest word

You are late
Oh, okay.
You are late for 2 hours
Oh, ya.
You are late for 2 hours without informing me
Oh, hmmm...
You are late for 2 hours without informing me and apologising
Oh, why flare up?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. U hurt me

Tables turned

You hurt me
Oh, okay.
You hurt me when you flare up
Oh, ya.
You hurt me when you flare up at me
Oh, hmmm...
You hurt me when you flare up at me without seeing my plight
Oh, cos it takes forever for u to apologise
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. too.

2007-04-29T16:42:00.000-07:00

Hello
he said

You had me at hello
she echoed

Am I a fine friend
he asked

You are so fine
she mused

Am I a good friend
he questioned

You are more than that
she thought

Will we be best friends
he probed

Friends
Just friends
Is that all that there is
she wondered

I'm in love
he declared

I'm out of love
she smiled

Friends Forever
he says

Friends Forever
she echoes

2007-04-27T00:36:00.000-07:00

Return to Innocence

Change
Corruption
Copulation

Sex
Sex
Sex

People change
Power corrupts
Prowess copulates

Sex
Sex
Sex

Innocent people change
Immense power corrupts
In-love prowess copulates

Love is the only justification
for the
Lost of innocence

haha.. was just writing rubbish.. cos i was wondering if people are realli "corrupted" by sex.. n if it's a justified corruption.. i mean if it's not, then we shuld not exist at all wad..but then pple dun realli accept casual sex cos i concluded, it's like sex without love. so i guess love's the onli justification for sex?? since sex to a lot of pple seems to be rather.. er herm.. haha..

2007-04-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

Are you there?
My love.

Can you hear my prayers,
About you,
For you,

Without you.

Are you free?
My love.

Do you mind my prayers,
About you,
For us,

Without you.

Do you miss me?
My love.

Will you respond to my prayers,
About us,
For me,

Without you.

Can you,
Will you,
Do you,
Know that I
Can,
Will,
Do,
Stop living,

Without you.

*inspired. I can only empathise and sympathise.. Hope this helps :)

2007-04-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

I love this song right now! haha.. kinda rocker style.. but hey, sometimes u need songs like this in a while to perk u up arnd exams! kinda sad song though.. but i guess the rocker thing makes it a lot better..

HINDER LYRICS

"Lips Of An Angel"

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And, yes, I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue

Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey why you calling me so late?

2007-04-23T00:10:00.000-07:00

*sad* it's the saddest part of Ally McBeal.. the love of her life, the one sh'es been loving since she's 7.. n he married another woman.. n he got a brain tumor at this time.. n it's affecting his reasoning sometimes n all..

finally.. he said the final words n died.. it's so painful to watch ally going thru this.. :(

cos.. he still loves her a lot..

2007-04-22T05:05:00.000-07:00

........The Story.................The Song
Romeo and Juliet.........Butterfly Lovers
..... Anglo-Saxon...........Oriental
.........Love at death & Love after death
.........The Uncon - di - tional Love
.............Fairytale . or . Fiction
...........In Health .... or ... In Sickness
.........For Richer ..... or ..... For Poorer
........Love in words .. or .... Love in notes
....Seen like a play... or ... Sang like a song
.Two irreconciliables . , . Two irreplaceables
....Two parts in place .. , .. Two parts in time
.............One faith ....... , ...... One love
.....................Him ..... or ..... Her
........................1 ....... + ....... 1
..........................the ........ summation
................................of 1 plus 1 ...... does not
....................................equate to 2 ...... , ...... never 2 ...................LOVE
........................................never 2 far..... , .... never 2 apart...........
.............................................never 2 .... far ..... apart..........
...........................................................for....................

The Butterfly is a love note folded in two

2007-04-20T11:01:00.000-07:00

Why is the world so caught up with
Negativity and Self-serving Subjectivity?

Show me a guy who is not petty,
and I'll show you a Man.

Show me a man who is not double-standard,
and I'll show you a Saint.

Why does the world revolve around
Reason and Persuasion?

Much has been said about
Right or Wrong,

Little was mentioned on
Forgive and Forgive*

Lost innocence
Dead humility
Forgotten empathy

We might never recover them
Again

*personally, it's silly to forgive and forget. Forget is not something that you can control, it's your brain and all the mechanisms.. so you can't technically choose to forget anything.

Why is a simple apology not enough?
Too Negative?
Too Subjective?
Too Righteous?
Nay,
Too Proud.

So now,
Where do we go from here?
Amongst
Pride, Fear, Angst.

Nowhere.
We stay.
and
Fight it out.
Fight them out.
It's worth a fight in the name of our love.

2007-04-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

Death
the absence of a presence
the eternal absence of a presence

Love
the suffusion of the presence
the eternal suffusion of the presence

Death after Love
the forgotten presence
the slow penetration of nothingness

Love after Death
the preserved presence
the will-less* lingering of everything

that had been
and
could have be

*will-less: involuntary, helplessly reflexive in nature. :)
I miss Audrey Hepburn though I don't even know her.. :)

2007-04-19T02:38:00.000-07:00

haha nice songs on mi sad blogs! :) well tts to balance the sadness :)

The new song's Symphonie by Silbermond. got it from Xinli's blog. I don't know her personally, but she's got such a happy blog full of happy pictures of loved ones. :) haha and her sad song juxtaposes w the loving happiness of the photos..

Nxt one is Celine Dion's S'il Suffisait D'aimer. if loving is enough.
n there's no me ames by J lo n mark anthony.. used to dance salsa to that! it's not bad a salsa song
n there's patrick bruel. on friendship gatherings n all.. :D finally, not a sappy love song!

2007-04-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

What is that steel monster
With its painted face
White, black, red

Deceitful steel monster
Displaying a friendly shell
Devouring, destroying, decapilating

Attack it like a man!

The princess
Transformed into

A feminist

Descended from her carriage
Down, down, down

Conquer it like a man!

The princess

Defeated in the foreign territory
Defeated by the unknown beast
Damn, damn, damn

Should have just remained in the carriage.

Context: I failed mi auto driving test for the third time! haha. And I told hongyi, I shuld nv let mi feministic side get the better of me. shulda just remain a princess in mi carriage with my knight. haha

2007-04-18T04:04:00.000-07:00

"pple like to oogle at hot pple, but for long term relationships, they go for holistic beauties like us"-Jian Hao

haha. holistic beauties..

Holistic Beauties,
Where art thy beaux?

Not yet.

Yet to come?

Yet to be found.

Holistic Beauties,
Found thy beaux yet?

No.

Not yet?

Not ever.

2007-04-18T03:53:00.000-07:00

Rationality is what separates
emotion from reason

Irrationality is the ambiguity between
emotion and reason

Insanity is the ambiguity among
me, myself and I

Sanity is what separates
me from you

2007-04-17T19:29:00.000-07:00

It's just that when you left...back then I prayed let me be married first, or let me have children first or at least let me die first. I'm just nervous that I'm going to go 1 for 3. (Ally to Billy, the man she loved since she was 8 who left her and is now married)

"When I first met you, you struck me as a person who has forgotten how to love, and be loved. Do you even remember what it's like to really be with someone? Maybe what you're afraid of is what you don't know." - Larry

"I did love you. Problem was you couldn't recognize it. Love is wasted on you because you'll always be unhappy, that's why I left. You may go through your good times, but we both know the place you'll always go back to. I couldn't have pulled you out of your world, you would have pulled me into yours." - Billy

"You said you didn't need a man." - Larry
"I don't. I want one." - Ally

"Aren't you afraid of ending up alone?" - Larry
"I'm more afraid of ending up with the wrong person." - Ally

Ally McBeal: Maybe I'm happy and I just don't know it.

Ally McBeal: The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content. Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it.

Ally McBeal: You loved me.
Billy: Yeah. That's the truth. So much that sometimes, when we were apart, we used to keep an open phone line at night so while sleeping I could listen to your breath.

Ally McBeal: The idea that when people come together, they stay together. I have to take that with me when I'm going to bed at night, Even if I'm going to bed alone.

Tell me why I love Ally McBeal. :) she spells the anxiety of a 21st century woman who has everything except a man. lol.

2007-04-17T18:50:00.003-07:00

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.I love thee to the depth and breadth and heightMy soul can reach, when feeling out of sightFor the ends of Being and ideal Grace.I love thee to the level of everyday'sMost quiet need, by sun and candle-light.I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.I love thee with a passion put to useIn my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.I love thee with a love I seemed to loseWith my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,I shall but love thee better after death.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

2007-04-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

爱我别走，
如果你走了，
如果你说，
你会不会想我？
你不爱我。
不要回答，
不要听见你真的说出口。
不要听见你再说出口。

你不爱我。

2007-04-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

je t'aime
(moi aussi)

tu m'aimes?
(je sais pas)

je t'aime
(moi non plus)

tu m'aimes plus?
(je sais plus)

je t'aime
(je l'aime)
et moi?
(je sais rien)

2007-04-17T05:39:00.000-07:00

They say that love hides in every corner, then I must have been walking in circles.

He loves me,

He loves me not.

He loves me,

He loves me not.

He loves me,

He loves me not.

once, twice, thrice

close your eyes and count to three

maybe things will change

He loves me,

I guess not.

2007-04-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

read this on en's blog..
"today someone told me that the way i portray myself - it's like i'm not looking for a serious relationship and i'm not going to pour all of myself into a relationship.

person also informed me that i was intriguing but not lovable.

so i said - does intrigue make for love? and he said no, but you could be like madonna and reinvent yourself constantly.

i said - so you think i'm a toy?

no, he was so defensive. you're too clever to be one, he says. and you're cleverer than you look, he laughs. was it disappointing, he asks, when i sit upright and say: this game is over.

i say, no it's terminated. goodbye."

I can't help but wonder, do the same thing apply to me too? I think en n I always have a special connection esp when it comes to things like this. I have no doubt that I do make friends with people easily, but why among all the friends I know, only one or two love me as a girlfriend type of person? I was told by every single one that I'm intriguing, but I guess intriguing doesn't make for love. I'm probably like a muse to them. or worse, a toy. I didn't know that being intriguing, can cause the objectification of a person, too.

on the point of not appearing to be committing. we all want to show that we can take it and leave it. we al have pride. nobody likes to show that they will be helpless without anyone in particular. Except that we are more convincing an actress. so convincing that we fool ourselves, and we fool the others whom we might have a possible future with. How can we ever prove that we can give our all, love helplessly, if we are not given the chance to? And so this vicious cycle continues, nobody takes us seriously, and we don't behave seriously because if we do, we are likely to get hurt by the less than serious people. So in the end, we can never prove our worth.

Love me, and let me love you.

2007-04-16T04:21:00.000-07:00

I feel guilty for being angry now..
But I think if I hadn't be angry..
I wouldn't show it..
and then nothing would happen.

But I feel guilty cos much as I accuse my friend of being hurtful,
I was being hurtful too.
The only difference probably is..

He's hurting me as a deflected hurt from someone else.
while I'm hurting him as a reflected hurt from him.

This issue has been settled.

another sadness,
I think he is avoiding me.
He didn't talk much to me.
Maybe he is.
Maybe he doesn't want me to get the wrong idea.
I'll know for sure on my birthday I think.

If nothing happens, I'll be ok too.
cos at least I'll know for sure that I'll be alone.
Why is it so hard to have a double coincidence of wants?

2007-04-15T19:35:00.000-07:00

Why do people like to hurt those who really love and care about them?
Emotional abuses, I thought by this age people should know better than to vent their anger on their close ones..

I guess it's nothing to do with age.
It's mentality.

If someone does not appreciate you enough, if someone does nto appreciate his blessings enough.. emotional abuses are frequent.

As friends who love and care, should we take it in? or should we leave?

I think we should take it in and still love the friend anyway. But we need to let the friend know what is it that hurt us.. and if he continues doing it over a period of time.. then it's time to evaluate if this friendship even mean anything to him at all or not.. because how can a true friend, regardless of how miserable he is, overlook the hurt and pain that he knowingly incurred on his friends in the midst of his sorrow and still proceed on with it without second thoughts?

I still love you, my dear friend.
but please know that while you are miserable and sad,
it's more cruel of you to hurt your friends who are so vulnerable to you.

Not that I mind what you say or do, it's what you refuse to face the reality of things that I mind. If you are miserable about things, finding channels to let it out cant last for long.. u r still miserable inside. it's just like drugs and alcohol. addictively effective in making u forget stuffs for a while. but when u wake up, nothing's solved.

I cant stand here n offer u the anaesthetics to life.
That is not what a friend would do.
I will be standing here with a bucket of water to wake you up.
but I won't approach you with it any longer.
I'll just be waiting here.
One day, when you feel ready to wake up and face the world,
I will be right here, holding your hand as you get use to it.

2007-04-15T06:25:00.000-07:00

I was angry with a friend today. and possibly still am.
I feel that he is selfish
so selfish
He just wants to receive love in the way he wants
but refuses to give love the way others want

How can he be so BLATANTLY double standard?!
and
How can he be so BLATANTLY zhong se qin you?!

I'm appalled

VERY simple things like leaving a tag.. has to involve the whole big philosophy of romantic love taking higher priority to friendship love.

so now what? am I supposed to applaud him for the great devotion he has towards his girlfriend? and the great determination in following through with his principle in life of loving his girfriend above all else? or the strong perseverence of not succumbing to the great temptation of friendship?

It makes me wonder, if simple thigns like this, you cant' even count on a friend to do just to cheer you up, and having to involve all those big philosophies in life that makes a mountain out of a molehill.. making it seems like tagging a friend is the biggest betrayal in a relationship.. bigger than adultery..
then what can i count on in him as a friend?

oh, I know
I can only count on him to let me down.

2007-04-15T02:48:00.000-07:00

If I say that I like you
would you stay with me?

If so,
I would.

Because I would know for sure
that you are staying.

If I say that I love you
would you leave me?

If so,
I would.

Because at least I would know for certain
that
I'm alone.

2007-04-15T02:40:00.000-07:00

I think you deserve..

every single tear you shed
every single let-down you felt
every single love you lost

because

you make me feel this way

2007-04-15T02:36:00.000-07:00

Don't

Don't run if you don't like it
Don't flaunt if you don't have it
Don't smile if you don't feel it

Don't care if you heck it
Don't act if you fear it
Don't smile if you fake it

Don't be a piece of merde
if you can
help it

2007-04-10T07:05:00.000-07:00

interesting how I like to come to my sad blog more than my happy blog..

maybe im trying to fill mi emptiness with sadness.

2007-04-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

context:
In France, every single day has a Saint attached to it. 2nd May is St. Boris.

A Prince Charming for U on St. Boris!

you think so..

Yes! Let's hope so!

thanks for the well wishes..

Cheer Up!!

the greatest distance is

the short space between

you

and yet you do not know

that

I love you

Char quoted Cyril Wong..

"love, if this is how you choose to leave me

let me let you"

2007-04-08T07:11:00.000-07:00

Betrayal.

the very word that brought Jesus down

ironic

the same word that saved us all

yet

it cant save me from

u

2007-04-08T07:01:00.000-07:00

I'm rather hurt again

not by anione in particular

I'm just hurt by expectations

my own expectations

nevermind.

Till Char gets attached, I'll still have her. =]

I had a little chat with David today, feel a little sad after toking to him for a while. I was like teling him.. "where were u when i was so sad?" n he said he was very busy. He played a song by David Tao (lol not meant to b funny).. entitled ai wo bie zou. n i got sadder aft listening to it. well, he's really mi best friend.. he said that "no matter what, I'll sing for ur bdae.. no matter what" =]

I guess it's just that I found out that I was being forgotten
by pple whom i shuldnt b expecting to remember me anyway..

I guess no matter how nonchalant I seem
I still wished to b involved with pple's lives..
I still wished to be informed of anithing tts going on..
esp when I thought that we were close.
close enough to ask each other for each other's attendences
before..

anithing happened.

u can only count on pple to let u down huh..

2007-04-08T04:11:00.000-07:00

Walking on the edge..

of friendship and love

I risk falling..

in love

not

2007-04-06T23:53:00.000-07:00

Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point

The heart has its reasons that the reason does not know

2007-04-06T19:43:00.000-07:00

I've decided..

there are a few pple who are not worth loving

pple who dun luv u
pple who hurt u, noeing tt u luv them
pple who luv nobody except themselves

but there is this type, however, who deserves all the luv

pple who dun luv themselves.

ironic rite.. y shuld u luv someone who doesnt even luv himself/herself, when u shuldnt luv someone who luvs nobody else except themselves..

isn't self luv the basic requirement for others to luv him/her??

I guess when a person luvs nobody else except him/herself, then that person HAS the capacity to luv. but is just too selfish to extend it to others.. and that is so unfair. cos on what accord shuld one receive n nv give??

whereas,

if someone doesnt even luv him/herself. he/she's probably lost faith in him/herself.. lost the ability to luv anithing or anione.. n there's gotta b some realli devastating experience that robs a person this ability.. in that way, there's no such thing as being selfish. they're not giving not because they want to keep for themselves, but because they cant give. So I suppose.. it's worth a bet to give them the luv they need aniwae.. n hopefully by showering love.. the seed will grow in their heart somedae..

of course there's no all-encompassing, all noble n all selfless luv.. for human.. u wuld probably luv onli cos u see that the other person wuld luv u back.. n if tt person dun.. the onli valid reason for u to keep luving tt person, is cos tt person CANT luv u back. not tt he/she does not WANT to luv u back..

cant: the lack of the ability to.. which is beyond the control of self
not want: the possession of the ability.. manifesting such ability through the exercise of choice.. after considering several aspects or factors in life..

i hope tt i make sense..

Je rêve son visage, je décline son corps
Et puis je l'imagine habitant mon décor
J'aurais tant à lui dire si j'avais su parler
Comment lui faire lire au fond de mes pensées?
Mais comment font ces autres à qui tout réussit?
Qu'on me dise mes fautes, mes chimères aussi
Moi j'offrirais mon âme, mon coeur et tout mon temps
Mais j'ai beau tout donner, tout n'est pas suffisant
S'il suffisait qu'on s'aime, s'il suffisait d'aimer
Si l'on changeait les choses un peu, rien qu'en aimant donner
S'il suffisait qu'on s'aime, s'il suffisait d'aimer
Je ferais de ce monde un rêve, une éternité
J'ai du sang dans mes songes, un pétale séché
Quand des larmes me rongent que d'autres ont versées
La vie n'est pas étanche, mon île est sous le vent
Les portes laissent entrer les cris même en fermant
Dans un jardin l'enfant, sur un balcon des fleurs
Ma vie paisible où j'entends battre tous les coeurs
Quand les nuages foncent, présages des malheurs
Quelles armes répondent aux pays de nos peurs?
S'il suffisait qu'on s'aime, s'il suffisait d'aimer
Si l'on changeait les choses un peu, rien qu'en aimant donner
S'il suffisait qu'on s'aime, s'il suffisait d'aimer
Je ferais de ce monde un rêve, une éternité
S'il suffisait qu'on s'aime, s'il suffisait d'aimer
Si l'on pouvait changer les choses et tout recommencer
S'il suffisait qu'on s'aime, s'il suffisait d'aimer
Nous ferions de ce rêve un mondeS'il suffisait d'aimer

2007-04-05T18:18:00.000-07:00

I can't

help you if you don't even

help

yourself

was hurt yesterday by ryan peh's insensitive comment.. but i realised.. he's just insecure n very much hurt himself.. so though i was angry, i was just being bitchy. LOL (hey it culd b worse. though i duno how else i culda reacted.) n he dared to sae tt he didnt feel anithing for tt! WHAT CRAP!!!!!! *picking up a tweezer*

Decided to stop pursuing it aft letting out some anger. cos no pt. Plato's Allegory of the cave. one would always recognise the shadow of things as the object, and in the light, it remains the shadow of things that one recognises and never the object in itself. But I noe, since everything is in the same platform of reality, it doesnt make wat i think more truthful or right. but since im a bias person.. haha of couse i wulda think tt im right! now i noe the source of Aries n Taurus' conflict.

I just feel tt as a fren, it's reali unfair tt a fren hurt u n not feel anithing? I mean how hurt ur fren is over a guy/ger.. it doesnt gif them the license to dun feel apologetic for hurting u rite? ie he/she realli luvs u.. wuldnt they care at all?! then in the end, I concluded. it's the ultimate manifestation of egocentrism. pple are willing to sacrifice everything else, all proclamation of luv, just to help save themselves from themselves--their own sadness, self-pity etc.

I'm selfish

so im in no position to judge.

still i haf the right to b angry. lol.. cos im on the receiving end! so JUST LET MI BITCH!

lol

haha i wish tt i can visit Alvin.. he said tt we can bitch all day!! lol.. n if i go den we can travel tog n all.. but it's so ex going there... bleah. n it doesnt help tt he's gona b in harvard summer school.. so he's not gona b in his apartment(no free lodging). bleahz..

i was juz reali cranky yest. but i was oso vvv happi yest!! hahahha. cos *blush* haha not gona sae anithing happi on sad blog.

2007-04-05T03:52:00.000-07:00

i told char to feedback on her fav post... so can include in mi star entry..
i realise tt by sounding sad.. i feel happier.. haha

shal include categories like Fiction, Rambling, or Confessions in mi entries..

2007-04-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

context: Make-up
associated with prostitutes in the 18th century
seen as a tool of deceit

so does make-up one's mind, mean that you deceive yourself as you do so?

Your Lies..

To strangers
a shield of distrust

To acquaintances
a pinch of salt

To friends
a door of insecurity

To family
a land of alienation

To me
a puzzle of self

To self
a treason of being

Bottom's up
My love,
To
Leaving your life,
Living your lie.