Someone asked once, if it's worse to marry someone you don't love, or to love someone you can't marry.
I wonder..

送女生回家的男人不一定就是君子。可能只是披着羊皮的狼。

不曾出轨的男人也不一定是绝对专一的。可能只是不曾有机会。

When you were younger, you could always find solace in reading Chicken Soup.
Now, even Sumiko Tan is getting married.
boohoo..

爱情骗子
其实他从来就不是我所想象的那么真诚
其实他从来就不是我所想象的那么可靠
其实他从来就不是我所想象的那么专一
也从来不真真切切地爱过我

幸好没彻彻底底地上当

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fT5qjZqEsl4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufxngzs70NU&feature=related

看完了。
哭了。
终于。

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmLfJm-IDUI&feature=related
后来
后来 我总算学会了如何去爱
可惜你早已远云 消失在人海
后来 终于在眼泪中明白
有些人 一旦错过就不再

栀子花白花瓣 落在我蓝色百褶裙上
爱你 你轻声说 我低下头闻见一阵芬芳
那个永恒的夜晚 十七岁仲夏 你吻我的那个夜晚
让我往后的时光 每当有感叹 总想起当天的星光
那时候的爱情 为什么就能那样简单
而又是为什么 人年少时 一定要让深爱的人受伤
在这相似的深夜里 你是否一样 也在静静追悔感伤
如果当时我们能 不那么倔强 现在也不那么遗憾

你都如何回忆我 带着笑或是很沉默
这些年来 有没有人能让你不寂寞

后来 我总算学会了如何去爱
可惜你早已远云 消失在人海
后来 终于在眼泪中明白
有些人 一旦错过就不再

永远不会再重来 有一个男孩 爱着那个女孩


http://www.im.tv/vlog/personal/466452/1893782
常常責怪自己 當初不應該
常常後悔沒有把你留下來
為甚麼明明相愛 到最後還是要分開
是否我們總是 徘徊在心門之外

誰知道又和你相遇在人海
命運如此安排 總教人無奈
這些年過得不好不壞 只是好像少了一個人存在
而我漸漸明白 你仍然是我不變的關懷

有多少愛可以重來 有多少人願意等待
當懂得珍惜以後回來 卻不知那份愛 會不會還在
有多少愛可以重來 有多少人值得等待
當愛情已經桑田滄海 是否還有勇氣去愛

誰知道又和你相遇在人海
命運如此安排 總教人無奈
這些年過得不好不壞 只是好像少了一個人存在
而我漸漸明白 你仍然是我不變的關懷

有多少愛可以重來 有多少人願意等待
當懂得珍惜以後回來 卻不知那份愛 會不會還在
有多少愛可以重來 有多少人值得等待
當愛情已經桑田滄海 是否還有勇氣去愛

有多少愛可以重來 有多少人願意等待
當懂得珍惜以後回來 卻不知那份愛 會不會還在
有多少愛可以重來 有多少人值得等待
當愛情已經桑田滄海 是否還有勇氣去愛

我们的开始 是很长的电影
放映了三年 我票都还留在
冰上的芭蕾 脑海中还在旋转
望着你 哪能忘记你

朦胧的世界 我们聊了多远
冰刀画的圈 圈起了谁改变
如果再重来 会不会笑笑骂骂
爱是不是 不开口才珍贵

再给我两分钟 让我把记忆结整理
别融化了眼泪 你妆都花了 要我怎么记得
祈祷你将我忘了吧 祈祷你将我忘了吧
你说你会哭 不是因为在乎

-Jay Chou

Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on


Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me
-Savage Garden

想了好久好久，终于明白了，其实就算重新再来
也不可能。不是因为不爱， 而是因为时间。
如果我30岁，我一定会不顾一切地去爱。现在的
我太脆弱了，太没安全感了，太需要家人的支持了。
也许他一辈子也不会明白为什么那时候我会那么
残忍地离开， 而现在又表现得这么痛苦。
也许我真的不该当真他当时承诺的。。我说过我一
定会想在他结婚之前把他夺回来。
他也说过如果当时真的我想要阻止，不需要像电影
里那样不顾一切，几乎粉身碎骨地去争取。
我只需要轻轻告诉他一声。

我现在多么想兑现那句话啊！
可是我怎么可能那么做。
我怎么可能。
如果我现在能与他私定终生，我会。
可是我绝对不能在未毕业之前做出这么鲁莽之事。
我的生活需要稳定下来。

而且，我已经不能再相信他的承诺了。

我一直把他放在心里头最敏感最隐秘最美丽的一处
因为太美，所以不愿意透露给任何人，甚至自己。
我害怕透露了就会失去。

已经失去了。

其实，我也明白了，其实自己对他并不重要。
如果重要，不会那么快就找到她。
如果重要，不会那么随便就把自己交给别人。
我连一个男生都没放在眼里。就算有多么好的条件。
因为心里有他。原来一直都是我自己一厢情愿。
以为曾经爱过就会一直爱下去。
男人是不会这么做的。
女人，才会这么傻傻地，默默地，等待。等待时间对的那一刻。

看了the second last boyfriend，
其实现实中也不是不可能有个人那么倒霉。
也许就是经历过了某个人，你才会懂得爱。
因为懂得了爱，才会去真真切切地爱下一个人，
并且愿意以身相许。我现在就真的很想嫁给下一个我能爱上的人。
爱上和哀伤，多么相同的读法，多么紧紧相扣的情感！

A metal drop of tear
On the day I broke his heart
He gave me a drop of tear
A metal drop of tear

I carried the tear close to my heart
Guiltless about its conception
Clueless about its importance
Helpless about its
flawless compatibility with me, my heart, my being

Until
One night
The heart caved in
To the weight of the tear
It’s not just a drop of tear at all
It’s a metal drop of tear
Forged by his strength,
my willfulness,
our anguish.

I can’t breathe
The heart is just too weak, change your heart
I can’t breathe
The tear is just too heavy, drop it.
Drop it in the middle of the ocean
Let it flow back to where it came from.
Heart of the Ocean, Tear of the Heart.

A teardrop in the ocean
Changes it ever so slightly
Ever so unnoticeably
Ever so insignificantly
But now, it’s part of the ocean
An inseparable part
Until the day it gets too light that leaving it for the sky becomes its destiny
Tuck in the corner of your heart you were really hoping that he would wait for you right even though you asked him not to and said that it will not work out
Sorry girl it doesn’t work
How dare me
How dare I even hope for something so gracious
When I had been so cruel
But you have to be cruel to be kind they say
A cursed person should only be with someone who is equally cursed
Or, hopefully, holds the anecdote to the curse.

once upon a time in Germany, I met this old man who told my cousin and I that if we find someone, we should test him well. If he survived the tests, and still remains truthful and faithful to you, then he's well worth your heart.

I am going to remind myself this, everytime I launch the love boomerang of mine. Fret not its departure, for a return would its genuity.

Good things in life are worth waiting for. Wait patiently for one that returns. That's how the aborigines eventually figured out how to make a perfect one, isn't it?

Maybe, it's really fate.

Fate says that Sumiko Tan will get married at 46. To someone she knew since 16. 30 years of searching and solitude. Finally one day. It just happened. Her boomerang returned, after 30 years. She must've launched it hard. It got far, too far. But it's a boomerang, a true boomerang. She's satisfied now, isn't she. No longer the archetype of the happy single woman, she's now the archetype of a happy boomerang owner. True love will not fade with time, distance nor any obstacles. These elements to love, are wind is to fire... they extinguish the little and kindle the great. He must love you more than you can push him away. And just because a girl said no once, does not mean she will say no forever. To move a girl with perseverance always works, but to move a guy, you have to use manipulation--you are either his type or not. Girls, like water, (as so aptly put in the Dreams of the Red Chamber), can mould themselves to their holder, the holder of their heart and their being.

Sumiko Tan. I wish you happily ever after.

The fairytale now is no longer love at first sight, BAM! Get married. like Princess D and charles. IT's proven to be unreliable and superficial. The modern fairytale is a long story. That begins with once upon a time... and ends with happily ever after, still. Except that it's no longer contained in one story. There are chapters after chapters. That's how characters are built (pun intended).

She used the word "break-up".
He used the word "not even".
A perfectly romantic misunderstanding.

Maybe only he had loved me
deeply
sincerely
purely

Even then
he moved on fast.
Love is indeed fleeting

Never marry for love.

What's the most romantic thing that anyone has ever said to you?
I've got one.
"All we need now is a dog"
A simple phrase that probably means nothing to anyone else. But the essence of this lies in its complete lack of romantic intention from the speaker, and an overtly sensitive imputation crafted by the receiver, as a result of cultural difference.
You see, it was said to me by a man from an occidental cultural background, when we were strolling in a park on a very fine day many years ago. I am filled with love and admiration for him, even then. Being a typical female who reads too much into everything, the usage of 'we' groups us together as one, and the inclusion of a dog, something that is seen as part of a family in the occidental culture, somewhat includes me as part of his family. Also the "all we need now" implies that we'd be complete with a dog.. thus a complete entity together. You wouldn't be able to find an Asian equivalent to the dog phrase somehow. I've tried. Asians just aren't that into pets.

Ironic, isn't it?
The very passion
binds you to another
repelled me from you
One woman's meat
is indeed
another woman's poison.

you are irresponsibly responsible
while
I am responsibly irresponsible
What a match made for the doom.

Took a walk along the beach today to clear my mind. I never liked the ocean. But today, it gave me the tranquility I needed.

It's a good idea to have paper and pen so I could pen down my thoughts.



It's not really...

It's not really a relationship
where's the commitment
It's not really a fling
where's the sex
It's not really a friendship
therein lies romance
It's not really a date
therein holds much more than
a nice long dinner

Somewhere between love and lust
lies (lies!)
a something
that's everything
yet nothing.





I was ready, NOT

I was ready to pull you along.
No, thank you.
I was ready to love you.
No, thank you.
I was ready.
No.

I'm glad I'm blogging again.
Because I only blog when I'm more of a human and less of a machine.

I need the practise. anyway.

My Best Friend's Wedding... I'm almost there. except that
1. I have no gay best friend to attend the wedding with.
2. I have no intention of attending the wedding.
3. I don't even stand a chance (though whether I want to is still debatable)

Lessons learnt:
1. Never take promises from a man (or woman) in love seriously. Because they are void the moment they fall out of love with you and/or in love with another.
2. If you want to get married, it can just happen.
3. Never assume you know someone well.

Moving on:
1. Keep the virginity till engagement/marriage. (yes, very archaic)
2. No wedding attendance except in the company of a male partner (very medieval)
3. Get some sleep (most realistic)

A gun shot

BANG

brought us together
momentarily

A gun shot

BANG!

sealed your fate
perpetually

A gun shot

BANG!!

woke me up
hastily
acutely
fortunately

self preservation
selfish preservation

the furthest distance
is self imposed

the deepest wound
is self inflicted

if only
i knew

nothing would have changed

True love is like a boomerang, that's what they say.

I have been throwing too many self-proclaimed boomerangs to know that.

So you wait for the boomerang to come back.

They say it flies for a long distance before it comes back to you.

I must have been throwing them in a very small area

perhaps I threw them too hard

or I used the wrong technic

could it be I need to be an Aboriginal

let's say the wind blew them away

So you keep waiting and testing these boomerangs you've got

Hopefully one day you'll find the real one

Hopefully

Hope

Pan

He is getting married.

I'm sorry I can't be there.

No, I don't want to be there.

It's too sudden, too unexpected, too disappointing.

So the heart does ache.

Even after you've killed it a thousand times.

Those tears you cry are selfish tears.

You've never treated him as merely a friend, have you.

Life goes on without you.

Contrary to your popular belief.

Life begins without you.

Regardless of your contribution.

Love ends for you.

You never allowed its growth.

Move on.

Stop wallowing in self pity.

You made the choice.

You live with it.

The idea of love,

The idea of loving him,

are nothing but ephemeral ideas

that evaporate when confronted with reality.

Wish him happiness,

What hypocrisy!

Wish him eternal celibacy,

What selfishness!

You are cursed,

doomed,

for a broken heart.

You are really not as special as you thought.

Just a quick note on certain things that I would like to write about.. :)

"She's just an MA, she's not an executive, remind her every morning that she's just an MA, remind her every evening that she's just an MA, remind her"

"you know Animal Farm? Some pigs are more equal than others" (actually it's .. some animals.. are more equal than others.. and it happens to be the pigs.. not some pigs.. what great memory)

"we are a team" (I didn't know that teams function this way.. you just brought the word team to a whole new level)

"She's not going to be just a bimbo" (you bet)

"your exit interview will not be easy. I will sit you down for 2 solid hours and I will not hold back my expletives" ( well, there is a reason I don't scold vulgarities. I have vocabulary)

I don't scold vulgarities cos I have vocabulary
I don't exploit people cos I have conscience
I have everything you don't, except your mega-huge ego.
This is not that personal, but it is somewhat personal.
If one day you ever wakes up and reflect upon yourself, and you do have humility, and you are over and done with the little boy's insecurity and need to over compensate with achievements in life and to fill up that hollow ego of yours with vulgarities and bully behaviours, then I would be more than willing to accept you as a peer.
Do not talk about despising me, when you are not even close to be qualified to do that. Even if you really think that you are right about me being whatever nasty creature that you have just called me in your all-so-limited vocabulary (god forgives me for using such a word to describe the awful sound made a while ago), it takes one to know one isn't it. =]

I all along took this as an intern. Imagine someone thinking of her exit on the first day of work. That really shows a lot about a company, or herself. But if it happens to the company so many times, within such a short time, we all know the root of the problem.
It's ironic that a company specialises in doing this.. has the biggest problem in this area itself. It really doesnt reflect well does it.

The pure and simple truth is never pure and rarely simple. Oscar Wilde said it.

I once told a friend, that I suspect that I'm tripolar.
Then I saw this video of this French little girl singing in a talent show, and she said that there are three Caroline.
I suppose that a lot of people are probably feeling that one adjective or one-dimensional descriptions are not enough to describe them. We human are physically 3D, thus perhaps our emotions extends 3dimensionally along with our physical presence.

One Pan who's happy-go-lucky, naive, curious, friendly, full of hope.
One Pan who's cynical, critical, irritable, judgemental.
One Pan who's nonchalant.

And that is only as much as I know about myself... I'm not even sure if that's all or if it's too much. haha.

Hmm... Charmaine's right, I should learn Japanese soon. I have to balance my cultural exposure, or else I'll feel uncomfortable... After learning French and English, I need another Asian language to balance the two... haha.

Alright. I'll just study Hiragana and Katagana on my own first, then I'll move on to grammar and Kanji...